and here’s the narrative I just presented to my class

So it’s kinda weird to have 20 full minutes to talk about my experience, my strength, and my hope. I mean, I talk about myself and what makes me ME quite a lot; I’m lucky enough to have friends and family and a therapist who listen and understand and make me feel heard. But thisContinue reading “and here’s the narrative I just presented to my class”

So for the class I’m taking, we have to share our narratives. Our stories, our struggles, our hopes.

We talked this morning about how powerful it is to be vulnerable and how it’s sometimes difficult. I felt a bit disconnected from the conversation because I’m usually able to be vulnerable very easily. At least with other people. I’m good at relating to other people. I’m an open book, I know that I’m worthyContinue reading “So for the class I’m taking, we have to share our narratives. Our stories, our struggles, our hopes.”

Comparisons

June 29th: She was antsy. Crawling in her skin. Unsurprisingly agitated, although she hated to admit that, almost whole-heartedly refusing to believe what was happening, what was approaching. It was also unsurprising that she jumped when the thunder cracked right outside her window. She was just on edge. The noise wasn’t inherently scary; it wasContinue reading “Comparisons”

Retire the roller coaster analogy. This bullshit is a storm during hurricane season, a tornado in the midwest. Sucks no matter how you analogize it, though.

The looming storm. Approaching apocalypse. Impending doom, though it’ll never really reach you. Will it? Forever in the distance, But close enough to drench you, Drag you, Overpower you. Gray, no –black. Devoid of everything but full, too full, of everything at the same time. Dull, but as a painful sort of sensation. Jagged edges,Continue reading “Retire the roller coaster analogy. This bullshit is a storm during hurricane season, a tornado in the midwest. Sucks no matter how you analogize it, though.”

i suck at poetry, but sometimes trying to be artsy about this nonsense is the best way to go

  “how do you catch a cloud and pin it down” what a stupid fucking question, a metaphor that doesn’t beg an answer because why would you want to capture nothingness and keep it locked in place? it asks how you can do something impossible, & to that we can either answer “you can’t” or,Continue reading “i suck at poetry, but sometimes trying to be artsy about this nonsense is the best way to go”

this round: a summary

I’m hesitant to say this round is over. I won’t say that just yet. The remnants of unbearable fear are still with me, the trauma is still too recent. Like, fuck. It was (I’ll use the past tense there) like 15 or so days of just. Well, if you’ve read my shit before you knowContinue reading “this round: a summary”

Saturday 1/25/20

Dear tomorrow, you stupid motherfucker, I hate you. I hate you already because I know what you’re certain to bring. More of this absolute torture. More gruesome depression. More of the same agony, the agony I write about over and over and over again. I’ve put so many words to it, I don’t think thereContinue reading “Saturday 1/25/20”

again

I am completely exhausted. Insomnia has finally given way to excessive sleeping, or maybe it’s just because I’ve been taking multiple doses of multiple sleep aids every night, starting at five, just to become unconscious. I don’t want to have to think. Although I say that as if thinking is an active process at thisContinue reading “again”

Find a safe space

You’re having a panic attack, struggling to see straight, calm your racing thoughts, slow your pounding heart, and breathe. You tell yourself you’re okay. You aren’t in actual, physical danger. But something triggered your alarm system, which sent a message to your amygdala, which made all this shit happen in your body in order toContinue reading “Find a safe space”

Different days can take different forms. Rolling with it.

It’s a new day, sunny and bright. The snow that fell quietly but persistently yesterday is melting. I’m off from work again. I was yesterday, too, and it was a “do literally nothing all day” day, where we didn’t leave the house at all, even to shovel. I woke up and changed into sweatpants andContinue reading “Different days can take different forms. Rolling with it.”