rainy mondays are for baggy sweatshirts, lots of coffee, and sea shanties/ pirate music playing through my noise cancelling headphones on repeat…while I try to write and actually be productive

yesterday wasn’t TOO unproductive, to be honest. I had a pretty big spurt of energy in the morning where I cleaned as much as I could in as little time as possible. I did the laundry, put things away, wiped the surfaces down, etc. it doesn’t look phenomenal in this apartment, but it’s more livable, and that’s what I was going for in the moment.

I was trying to do this whole SUNDAY RESET ROUTINE thing

and by that, I mean getting everything set up and organized for the coming week so that I don’t feel like a total shitshow for another seven days.

I like routines. I like the idea of them, and I really like when I stick with them. I was suuuuuper good at my morning routine right out of the psych hospital/right when quarantine started. it was helpful to have that structure, those set things I needed/wanted to do (and actually did). that fell off quite a bit, as could have been expected. and I’m not beating myself up about it. but it’s like, you get fed up, ya know? with the chaos? and you just wanna say “enough is enough” and fix everything right then and there.

the chaos typically doesn’t go anywhere, if I’m being honest. mostly because it’s internal (for me, at least!) haha, but it improves my internal state if I get shit done.

which is a huge reason why I neeeeeed my ADHD meds, and why I need to continue looking up and learning about the delicate relationship between bipolar disorder and ADHD, but I don’t wanna get into that now

[read my article on Libero Magazine about my experience with that, if you want]

usually when I feel like the chaos is gonna make me explode, I do a certain number of things in a certain order…

  • make my environment immediately more inviting: open a window, light a candle, spray some lavender
  • set a timer for ten minutes. make sure the alarm/song for when the timer goes off is fun.
  • clean like hell really quickly but try to get as much done as possible, spread as widely as possible (like, don’t organize inside the dresser drawers bc that has a narrow scope; instead, clean a little in the bedroom, a little in the living room, a little in the kitchen)
  • freshen up (because it’s hot after cleaning): wash face, brush teeth, put moisturizer on, etc
  • journal? read? social media catch-up? whatever, just unwind in a way that doesn’t bring all that momentum to a complete dead stop, because that only makes it feel shitty again

today I actually have some more important shit to do than just cleaning and organizing.

I have to work on some of my volunteer work, which should be fun, but it might require a lot of my brain.

and I have to do stuff for my class. work on all the tests I need to finish by november. and I also wanna like…gather my thoughts on the whole thing. really get my opinions and ideas together. I wanna talk about it with my therapist next week.

therapy today was awesome, as always ❤ I was in a mopey mood this morning (as I have been for like two weeks…possibly because of the steroids, possibly because I’m heading for a full-blown episode…not sure, and not sure I want to dwell on it) but anyway, she always knows how to distract me and get me out of it. get me talking and being like, MYSELF (my talkative, excitable self) and I love her for that reason (and many others).

^^ that was two days ago, a fun reminder from one of my mood tracking apps

[today I broke the “meh” streak, by the way!]

okay I’m gonna stop procrastinating and get to work. this has been fun, this update featuring the pointless pictures I take and save and have ✌

have a lovely monday, bloggerrssssss!!

It’s been getting more and more difficult to write over the last 29 days of being stuck at home. I don’t want to complain because there are so many people have been devastated by this virus and my having to stay in my house isn’t that big of a deal. At all. Plus, I have all my stuff here haha, it’s not like when I was at the psychiatric hospital for 17 days without anything to really entertain me. I have it good being stuck at home, and I’ll guiltily say it’s better than being at my job being miserable. But I can’t focus. It’s all exacerbated by my lack of proper meds for my adhd, the meds I’ve been taking for nine years, but I’m not gonna complain about that now. I’m just like. I’ve got writers block even though I’ve been trying to get some sort of writing out. It’s been raining all day which doesn’t help. I mean the sun finally just came out at 6:15pm, so I think after dinner I might be able to focus better bc the sun weirdly helps with that. It’s been a weird day all around though. I slept til 9ish, which I haven’t done in ages. I mean. I needed the sleep. I’ve been going to bed around 10 but had been waking up progressively earlier for a while. I woke up at 5:30am yesterday so I couldn’t focus then either because I was exhausted. I dunno. I like my morning routine. It’s basically the only structure I have. And I’ve known how important structure is to me and my mental health for a while. Tomorrow will be a good day. I feel like I can definitely make it a good day. I’m still on proper mood stabilizing meds, and I don’t take that for granted. The lithium and other ones are holding me at a relatively even place. Last month was sooooo steady. This month has been less steady, but for obvious and understandable reasons. I’m not anxious. I mean I’m antsy. But not anxious. I’m lucky. Aaaanywayyyy ending this ramble ✌🏻