ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ᴏᴜᴛsɪᴅᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡɪɴᴅᴏᴡ ɪɴ ғʀᴏɴᴛ ᴏғ ᴍᴇ ɪs ᴅᴜʟʟ ᴀɴᴅ ɢʀᴀʏ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇs sᴛɪʟʟ ᴀ ʜɪɴᴛ ᴏғ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴛᴏ ɪᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘɪᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴘᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴏɴ ʀᴀɪɴᴅʀᴏᴘs ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴏᴏғ ɪs ʀᴇʟᴀxɪɴɢ. ɪᴛ ᴍᴀᴋᴇs ᴍᴇ ғᴇᴇʟ ᴄᴀʟᴍ. ᴍʏ ᴄᴏғғᴇᴇ ɪs ʀᴇғʀᴇsʜɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ʀᴇᴊᴜᴠɪɴᴀᴛɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴀᴛ sᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟ ᴡᴀʏ ɪᴛ ʀᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇs ғᴏʀ ᴄᴏɴɴᴏɪssᴇᴜʀs, ᴡʜɪᴄʜ ɪʟʟ ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍʏsᴇʟғ ɴᴏᴡ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ sᴀᴋᴇ ᴏғ ᴍʏ ɪᴍᴀɢᴇʀʏ ᴏʀ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜɪs ᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪs. ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴅᴀʏ ᴀʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴏғ ᴍᴇ. ᴡᴇ ᴀʟʟ ᴅᴏ, ʜᴇʀᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪs ʟɪғᴇ. ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ, ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ɪᴛs ɪᴍᴘᴏʀᴛᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀs ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴠᴇ ᴀs ᴘᴏssɪʙʟᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇsᴇ ᴛᴡᴇɴᴛʏғᴏᴜʀ ʜᴏᴜʀs. ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇᴄᴏᴍᴇ sᴜʀᴇ ᴏғ ᴍʏsᴇʟғ, ᴄᴏɴғɪᴅᴇɴᴛ ɪɴ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴅᴏ (ᴛᴏ ᴀᴄᴄᴏᴍᴘᴀɴʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴғɪᴅᴇɴᴄᴇ ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ғᴏʀ ᴡʜᴏ ɪ ᴀᴍ). ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ғɪɢᴜʀᴇ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴏᴜᴛ. ʟᴇᴀʀɴ. ʀᴇᴀᴅ. ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ. ʟᴏᴠᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴅᴇᴇᴘʟʏ, ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ᴛʀᴀᴅᴇᴍᴀʀᴋ ғᴀʀ-ʀᴇᴀᴄʜɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ғɪᴇʀᴄᴇ ʙʀᴀɴᴅ ᴏғ ᴀғғᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ. ɪ ɢᴜᴇss ᴛʜɪs ɪs ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴀʟʟ ᴛᴏ sᴀʏ: ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ. ♡
1:45pm || It’s been a good day, I guess. I woke up early like normal, did my whole morning routine and made coffee and started my day. I’ve been utilizing technology as best as I can during this craziness. I mean, being isolated is certainly not my favorite thing, but keeping myself accountable is helpful. I use that Flora app for when I write, I meditate with the Calm app for a little while every day. I always use Daylio and eMoods to track my bipolar-type stuff, but I’ve been trying to use emotion words to describe my moods too (there’s a list in the Notes app on my phone). I downloaded Longwalks as a journal, which is fun, and this morning I downloaded one called Halohah (does anyone use either of those?). I went for a walk. I’m gonna go for another one soon because I wanna get a cup of coffee at like 711 or something, I’m just craving that type of coffee, it happens sometimes. I video called with my sister and the baby. Then with my mom. It’s nice to be able to see them even over long distances! I wrote the first page of an article due soon, and it made me happy and feel productive. I had both breakfast and lunch one right after the other lol, but I’m not freaking out about my weight or eating habits in general because fuck the fucking disordered thoughts telling me to care. I’m better than that. Not saying it’s bad to struggle with an ED, but I’ve been back and forth and back again, and I know which direction I have to choose. I am, however, going to do a YouTube workout, just because that actually improves my mood. Being at least a tiny bit active also helps me feel like I’ve accomplished something. Once I’m done writing my article I’m gonna read for a while, because I have sooooo much I wanna read: my BP magazine and Mindful magazine (both of which I subscribe to and have apps on my phone/iPad for), Celebrations magazine (the Disney one!), the Disney Food Blog Guide pdf my sister just bought for me, a few articles on research digest, and I wanna finally finish some of the books I started a while ago. I’m obviously not gonna finish all that reading in one day, but I have the time to read so I might as well use it (while simultaneously not pressuring myself to get too much done, because I feel like putting pressure on ourselves during this whole thing is counterproductive). And then I’m gonna journal and write for myself.
Sooooo I’m feeling kind of off and pretty overwhelmed. I still have sleep to catch up on (thanks to bipolar-related insomnia and being super busy the last few days) and my boyfriend and I are definitely fighting colds or something. I’m home now, and I wanna reset my brainnnnn so I can focusssss and feel betterrr. And a big part of that is getting my surroundings in order. And then relaxing once it all feels less cluttered.
Ignore what is kind of a random list of nonsense that needs to get done, but I’m really feeling like checking it all off is gonna help me.
Because like, apparently clutter is linked to higher levels or cortisol (steroid hormone that’s a part of the body’s stress response), especially in women. Not to mention that on a personal level, I need what’s around me to be as NOT messy as possible because what’s inside me is messy enough. And honestly, I LIKE things clean.
I’ve been feeling a THING coming on, an impending MOOD EPISODE, and I’m in that phase where I’m kiiiind of just wishing it comes now and does it’s terrible, torturous thing, and then leaves and then it’s done and over with. But I’m also attempting to summon the strength and willpower to keep it at bay for as long as I possibly can.
My point is that I’m gonna do the following things and then hope I feel less overwhelmed afterwards.
- Light a candle, spray some lavender, throw open a window, and tell myself I’m about to kick the shit out of the next 60 minutes.
- Put on ska Pandora radio and turn up the volume.
- Put the clean dishes away and the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
- Fold laundry that’s been in the dryer for almost a week and put it in the drawers. Then throw in another load.
- Sweep the floors.
- Time to STOP and get on the floor and stretch the tension out of my body,
- Take all the supplements I’m supposed to take, aaaand vitamin C since I feel a cold coming on.
- Drink as much water as I possibly can.
- Wash my face because I’ll most likely be hot and need to cool down.
- Take a book or notebook outside and sit in the fresh air reading or writing.
- Make a to-do list. Get the things knocking around in my head out onto paper so I can stop worrying about them.
And from thereon out I’ll be able to do as this picture I took today says, and focus on one thing at a time…