in-between

𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙨𝙩𝙮 𝙖𝙨𝙛, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚 ✨🖤🥀

I don’t know if I’m in a bad mood or not. I feel shitty. Mopey. But not depressed. The super fucking confusing to me. And upsetting. But it’s manageable. But it’s annoying and I don’t like it. But it isn’t paralyzing me. Why is existing still something I have to feel guilty about? I’m confused. This period of my life is just uncertainty. Now that the other chaos has subsided, the uncertainty I’ve always been plagued with can be front and fucking center. It’s fine. I’m just off and blah and yucky. I can’t focus, either. Which doesn’t fucking help. But anyway.

*… 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨 + 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙞𝙛 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 …*

medicated, still bipolar, what now

I’m having a hard time focusing. I’m anxious and stressed out over it. Feeling yucky. Off. Like somethings wrong but I can’t figure out what. The result is irritability and frustration. It’s overall just a dull version of what I’ve been feeling for the better half of my life (bipolar depression).

But I have to remember that for the better half of my life, I’ve suffered from bipolar symptoms/depression. That explains what this bullshit is. It’s just way less intense because I take 193741 pills every morning and night.

I can either see that as an unfortunate reality, that nothing can ever fully cure this bullshit. Or I can see it as an improvement, an important step forward, a bridge to being able to do better things.

I know I’d benefit from proper adhd treatment. But my heart definitely leapt when I had that a-ha moment of “thhaaat’s what’s going on here.” It feels better when things make sense, at least.

Resolutions: Why I’m on the Fence

We’re going to be hearing quite a lot about New Year’s resolutions in the coming weeks, and I’m personally preparing for it to stress me out and potentially impact my mental health.

I have no problem with resolutions in general. There’s nothing wrong with, and there’s even value in, looking ahead to the future and thinking about goals and making plans to improve. It’s just the way New Year’s resolutions are considered a standard, something we absolutely must take part in.

It’s almost as if we’re lazy if we don’t reach what we set out to reach from the resolutions we feel obligated to make. Not achieving something doesn’t make us lazy.

People also attach a high value to the “fresh start” that January 1st provides but don’t consider the fact that when the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, time continues like it always has. While it’s great to be optimistic and aim high, and it isn’t inherently unhealthy to hope that the brand new year will be different, we too often find we’ve done nothing concrete to set out achieving our resolutions. This personally leads inevitably to me feeling like I’ve “failed” somehow.

I understand that an arbitrary fresh start can be super motivating. I just think we need to explore deeper within ourselves. If we’re imagining getting motivated once the near year has finally officially begun, I think we’d benefit from asking ourselves why we’re waiting and what we think will be different after the 1st. Or rather, we should figure out how we’re going to make it different.

It’s also the fact that “resolution” by definition means to make a firm choice to do something or to not do something. When I think about making firm decisions, I think of the rigid and unhealthy rules my eating disorder laid out for me. It just feels too similar.

Perhaps those without eating disordered tendencies feel differently about rigidity, and I respect that. However, I also question the logic and encourage self-awareness.

On that note, I find New Year’s resolutions are rarely about mental health improvement and instead focus on cliche ideas of productivity or the unattainable concept of perfection. In this way, resolutions seem to set me up for failure. 

One major con is that the reasoning behind a resolution gets lost when you’re too zoomed in. The big picture is hard enough to keep in mind when we’re going through daily life and trying to do our best each day. To be laser-focused on one thing might distract from the fact that you’re doing your best. The truth is, we don’t need to measure success based on singular, particular things.

Another is that resolutions can lead to unhealthy competition. I’ve noticed that conversations about New Year’s goals in the beginning of January stress me out because I wind up comparing what I’m aiming for with what other people are aiming for. And I could swear I’ve been part of conversations where it feels like everyone’s actually trying to one-up each other. It’s never healthy for me to compare my goals with someone else’s; I go at my own pace and I’ve learned to be happy with that.

Even as I type this, though, a piece of my brain is contemplating what I might want to resolve to do or not do in 2021. I’m someone who’s dedicated to personal growth and improvement. It’s important to me to be better tomorrow than I was today.

So do I make resolutions? Do I continue trying to be better tomorrow but without the pressure of specific resolutions? Do I make them but modify them?

A pro to resolutions is that they help us focus on what we want. If I were to go without setting a resolution, it might leave me feeling uncertain about what I want to accomplish this year. By contrast, focusing on something specific, writing it down, and revisiting it, will most likely motivate me to achieve it. It’s a less passive process than simply having a feeling of what you want to do.

Another is they help you manifest what you want. I’m not hugely spiritual, and as much as I think the Law Of Attraction is fascinating to think about, I don’t live by it. But I truly think there’s something to “manifesting something into existence.” It goes back to being focused on a specific thing. If “get a promotion” is on your mind, you’ll be doing more things to put yourself in a place to be promoted.

Also, it feels really good to see your resolutions actualized. I’d hate to be negative or make a blanket statement that New Year’s resolutions all go unfulfilled (that’s just not true). And on that note, I’d hate to ignore the fact that not everyone is intimidated by their concept. For those who find them helpful, having set resolutions is great because it makes it feel that much better to do what you set out to do. If you’re one of those people, go make things happen and enjoy the spoils of your hard work! (If you’re not, that’s fine too)

One last thought I have is that whatever you choose to do, it’s perfectly fine to want to coast through 2021. It doesn’t make you less than if you can’t bring yourself to resole anything. We’re coming out of a year of pure chaos, we’re allowed to just exist. You’re also allowed to set the bar high. Just take care of your mental health regardless.

It’s important for me to take time to be thankful today…so I’m thinking about

◦ perfume that smells like comfort or home, avocado toast with egg and hot sauce (sprinkled with everything bagel seasoning), binge-watching exciting movies or tv series, selfies when I’m feeling myself, my eternal internal resilience, the smell of the ground after a storm, cookies and milk, oversized hoodies and leggings that make me feel safe, laughing loudly and uncontrollably so hard that it hurts your stomach (but as much as it hurts your stomach it feels happy that amount times ten in your chest), my parents’ unending support, enlightening podcasts, entertaining social media posts, punk rock music playing from mr car speakers so loud that I’m almost actually vibrating (or maybe that’s just excitement!), and the way road trips have so much potential to lead to adventure

Negative self-talk is not helping ‼️

Wallowing in feelings of defeat won’t accomplish anything!

Time to “change the script”

as my therapist would say

Affirmations:

  • I’m okay, I got this, I have the situation under control
  • I’m worthy and valuable regardless of my mental state
  • People love and respect me
  • I am smart and creative and I have good ideas
  • I give off good vibes, I’m fun, and people like being around me
  • I have cool hobbies and interests
  • I am resilient (boyyyyy am I!)
  • I know how to calm and ground myself
  • I’m strong as fuck
  • I have so much love inside me, and I give it freely, and that makes me happy
  • Life is in constant flux but that fact is oddly comforting
  • I am whole
  • I am unique

✨✨✨

I’ve been having a weird week. I’m mopey. My mood is low. I know it’s probably because of the lack of daylight (I love winter but ugh). Or maybe it’s just that I always get like this before Christmas. I can’t complain. I haven’t had an episode in almost ten months (since I was in the psych hospital), and that’s three times as long as I typically go. And even still, like I’m irritable as hell now but it’s manageable and that’s phenomenal. I feel guilty complaining. I definitely don’t have the “right” to (but see that’s an example of the negative thoughts I’m trying to kick away).

Who knows. I just have to keep chugging along.

“Another day” pic from last year, during a major eating disorder relapse and a major bipolar episode. “Merry and bright” pic from this week, which I took bc I felt pretty 🙂

Today I appreciate…

classical music, my boyfriend who’s always inherently known how to make me feel better (or what to do when feeling better isn’t in the cards for me), text message chains that last for a whole day without distracting me too much but still making me feel a lot less lonely, random acts of kindness, clouds that morph into different shapes depending on my imagination, fairytales that have magically happy endings, dainty jewelry, gaudy costume jewelry, fancy diamond jewelry worn on special occasions, the smell of a cake baking in the oven (and the accompanying feeling of deliciousness in the air), licking the leftover batter off the spoon and feeling no guilt, elephant videos, a pen that writes so perfectly that you have a hard time putting it down, fuzzy socks, and collapsing into bed after a long and productive day feeling accomplished

Today I’m grateful for…

✓ shade from trees that’s tinted orange and gold because autumn has turned the leaves burnt red and yellow, air that’s so crisp it gives you the feeling of biting into a juicy apple, boots and scarves and leather jacket outfits, old cartoons that still make me laugh, an organized bookshelf, beanie hats, that squeaky sound it makes when you wipe down a mirror (and the feeling of looking into a pristinely clean reflection), fuzzy blankets, things that make you feel like you’re flying (like swimming or roller skating or even running so fast it feels like your feet aren’t even attached to you anymore), running the water really cold after a steaming hot shower, getting out and then dousing yourself in lotion or oil and slipping into pajamas feeling clean as fuck, my nephew’s little giggle, and classic video games

Today I’m thankful for…

waking up early, morning routines, new beginnings, exciting continuations, therapy and the way it can always make all the yucky stuff go away and if there’s nothing bad going on how it can still really brighten my days, being known and understood, sunny days when you need them the most, having options, aesthetic mood boards and collages, doggy noses and ears and paws, old songs that shuffle onto my playlist and bring me back to old times, fancy art, science documentaries, ideas that literally feel like a light bulb shining bright above your head, fiction books, the various ways human beings have communicated over our history, and cups of coffee that taste like you’re coming to life again

My boyfriend and I were laying in bed by six last night and long story short, I slept for like fourteen hours. Granted I hadn’t slept much the night before, but I hate uncontrollable sleep. Or I guess I hate when my pattern isn’t consistent (how many times does it need to be proven to me that sleep hygiene is crucial with bipolar).

Woke up discombobulated. But whatever. Had time to get coffee before my morning session of class, which was boring.

Then I went to target and got this awesome and festive $3 coloring book (hashtag mindlessness, am I right?). I am currently absorbed in it, while drinking this lovely hot chocolate concoction without any guilt (not really, anyway). It’s sugar-free hot chocolate with skim milk, and almond milk whipped cream, and a bunch of cinnamon.

I had a talk with my therapist yesterday about my body image lately and how my having chronically harmed my poor little body via eating disorders might have something to do with my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. It’s something I have to think about.

But like, when I’m thinking about all that? I think about how I’m happy with where I am emotionally right now. That’s worth a lot, this stability I’ve found. This stability that’s so new to me (after suffering the chaos of my brain on my own for half my fucking life). I dunno, I just want to be self-aware and informed about what I’m doing, I want to keep my therapist in the loop and make her proud (’cause she’s awesome), and I truly do want to get my weight under control.

It’s like with the sleeping…if it’s out of control (or if it feels out of control, because sleeping longer one night after not sleeping the previous one is NOT “out of control”), it upsets my stability.

Anyway, I think before the second session of class I’m gonna work on a story or something creative. After I finish coloring, that is!

Some T H O U G H T S:

My moods was stable as fuck and consistent for a good three days and today I’m just blahhhh, which I guess is normal, but it’s annoying. I’m unmotivated and uncertain and unfocused. I somehow turned a cozy and relaxing day into a waste.

I do so much mood tracking and I’m so careful with how I handle my moods and symptoms and how I handle my disorder. But am I doing ALL that I can? Does any of it even matter?

I’m disappointed that my class is turning out to be less than ideal. I mean, it is what it is, and I’ll take what was given to me and run with it. And I guess it’s good that I’m sure of my values and sure of how I feel (which is a rare thing with me haha, in terms of feelings, at least). I’m determined to not less this whole experience bring me back to the center of nowheresville.

See? Trying to be motivated. Because all I want is to be creative and productive and to make a difference. Or a impact. Or something. I want to be loved too, and to enjoy love and affection, and somehow that’s lumped into this whole paragraph??? My brain is weird.

I’m really sick of the rainy weather and I know it has such potential to be comfy, that it’s great reading weather, that it makes the flowers grow, blah blah. But like fuck I need some sunshine I want to sit outside and have my mornings out there.

Speaking of which, I need to regulate my sleep. I’ve been sleeping GOOD, to be honest, but I go to bed too late or sleep too late even when I go to bed early. I want my mornings. I need to set the right time for my day. It fucks me up when I have a bad morning, and even though I know I always have the power to turn my day around, it annoys me.