It’s been an interesting two weeks

I’ve been feeling okay for the most part, especially having just made it past the ONE YEAR OF STABILITY mark! But I’ve been having some issues with pain, and that was disheartening. I might have overreacted, but such is my nature haha Journal from March 7: If it’s not one thing, it’s another, and IContinue reading “It’s been an interesting two weeks”

I’ve been more productive lately and I’m loving it. It makes me feel better about myself.

That’s such a sign of internalized capitalism, thinking how much I get done is tied to my worthiness. And if you’ve been following along with my journey this week, you might recall me feeling like I’m not worthy of existing and not being in pain. Yeah, fucked up, huh. But that aside, I’m happy thatContinue reading “I’ve been more productive lately and I’m loving it. It makes me feel better about myself.”

A bad experience? Or a fun story to tell?

I went to the beach to take a picture with my orb because I’m turly enjoying being artsy with this thing. I had been itching to get out of the house, as always, and I didn’t know where to go, as always, and I was uncertain that I’d actually wind up at the beach untilContinue reading “A bad experience? Or a fun story to tell?”

Sundays are for gettin’ shit done

I don’t think I got anything done yesterday (besides some online Christmas shopping!), but today was better in that regard. And in lots of other regards. I woke up around 8, took my meds, recorded my mood info on my apps, got dressed and ready for the day, got my coffee. Typical. But I checkedContinue reading “Sundays are for gettin’ shit done”

enjoy the little things

Thought this quote was fitting because good little things are what’s getting me through the all-consuming boredom (things like fancy coffee from my own personal at-home cafe lol, finding and downloading and playing new games on my phone, infused water, and video calling my family♡ every day). I’m telling myself to focus on these awesomeContinue reading “enjoy the little things”

this round: a summary

I’m hesitant to say this round is over. I won’t say that just yet. The remnants of unbearable fear are still with me, the trauma is still too recent. Like, fuck. It was (I’ll use the past tense there) like 15 or so days of just. Well, if you’ve read my shit before you knowContinue reading “this round: a summary”

Saturday 1/25/20

Dear tomorrow, you stupid motherfucker, I hate you. I hate you already because I know what you’re certain to bring. More of this absolute torture. More gruesome depression. More of the same agony, the agony I write about over and over and over again. I’ve put so many words to it, I don’t think thereContinue reading “Saturday 1/25/20”

again

I am completely exhausted. Insomnia has finally given way to excessive sleeping, or maybe it’s just because I’ve been taking multiple doses of multiple sleep aids every night, starting at five, just to become unconscious. I don’t want to have to think. Although I say that as if thinking is an active process at thisContinue reading “again”

Find a safe space

You’re having a panic attack, struggling to see straight, calm your racing thoughts, slow your pounding heart, and breathe. You tell yourself you’re okay. You aren’t in actual, physical danger. But something triggered your alarm system, which sent a message to your amygdala, which made all this shit happen in your body in order toContinue reading “Find a safe space”

Different days can take different forms. Rolling with it.

It’s a new day, sunny and bright. The snow that fell quietly but persistently yesterday is melting. I’m off from work again. I was yesterday, too, and it was a “do literally nothing all day” day, where we didn’t leave the house at all, even to shovel. I woke up and changed into sweatpants andContinue reading “Different days can take different forms. Rolling with it.”