How can I know what “normal” is if I’ve never experienced it?

“I don’t even know what a normal life would look like,” I sighed, disheartened at the fact that my lack of normal was largely due to my apparent need for drama. I’m bipolar. For close to twelve years, I cycled between deep depressions and wildly irritable, energetic, too-much-in-too-small-a-space hypomanias. It happened every three months likeContinue reading “How can I know what “normal” is if I’ve never experienced it?”

One of my most vivid memories is of what happened one sunny April morning when I was sixteen.  My parents had brought me to a random doctor’s office for a random appointment, and it pissed me off because I should have been in school.  I should have been sitting in my AP chemistry class learningContinue reading

Eating Healthy (for real), in spite of eating disordered thoughts

“Think about how it’s nourishing you.”   I’ve gotta cut the crap with this “falling back into my eating disorder” thing. So I’m supposed to eat at least 2 actual meals a day and while I eat, I’m supposed to think about all the good the food is doing me. Nourishing my body. Making myContinue reading “Eating Healthy (for real), in spite of eating disordered thoughts”

Rising up from the ash

My insides were rotting with fiery emptiness.  A terrifying lack of control stoked the flames along with tenacious sadness. The sadness that had simmered on my internal burner for too long, causing the contents of the pot, the emptiness that filled me, to boil over, eventually turning it into the unmatched heat of full-blown depression.Continue reading “Rising up from the ash”

Life: starts going too well, suspiciously well Brain: hey, know what would be fun? a little throwback to the raging anorexia of your youth Me: *is an idiot* Brain, in too deep for comfort all of a sudden: fuck Body: fuck Everyone around me: fuck …so the moral of the story, people, is that evenContinue reading

My insides were rotting with fiery emptiness.  A terrifying lack of control stoked the flames along with tenacious sadness. The sadness that had simmered on my internal burner for too long, causing the contents of the pot, the emptiness that filled me, to boil over, eventually turning it into the unmatched heat of full-blown depression.Continue reading

A fun little throwback to the eating disorder of my youth, ugh

I haven’t eaten breakfast. This isn’t a surprise; I usually forego actual food in the morning in lieu of something caffeinated.  Although my choice of caffeine has changed lately, for what a part of my brain deems better and another part deems punishment.  But regardless, lattes and mochas are no more. Plain coffee with steviaContinue reading “A fun little throwback to the eating disorder of my youth, ugh”

I can’t figure out my emotions/ moods/ anything involving self-awareness…or can I? No really, someone tell me which.

I discovered the word “alexithymia” like, ten years ago with my friend Meg at the Barnes and Noble between our houses. For the longest time, she was the only person I knew in the real world (not from treatment) who struggled with mental illness like I did.  We connected immediately, skipping most of the normalContinue reading “I can’t figure out my emotions/ moods/ anything involving self-awareness…or can I? No really, someone tell me which.”

Medication-related weight gain (or putting on pounds in an unrelated whatever)

I’m tremendously uncomfortable in my body. I feel it underneath my consciousness at all times, physically and emotionally. It sucks. But I’ve been in this disconcerting situation before, and even though it’s laced with inward-pointing disgust, even though it makes my skin crawl, I know what to do (in theory at least). I’m taking discomfortContinue reading “Medication-related weight gain (or putting on pounds in an unrelated whatever)”