So I found this thing I wrote about eating disorders back in March 2015 at 3am, and it’s applicable now, and I’m sharing it here because I’m proud of my little 23-year-old self :)

Alright, you have an eating disorder? You’re in recovery? Well, listen up, you beautiful fuckers. Here’s some shit I’ve learned: – I’m a beautiful fucking flower, a unique and wonderful snowflake, and my presence is a gift to the freakin’ world. And guess what? You are fucking flowers and snowflakes and crap too. Got it??Continue reading “So I found this thing I wrote about eating disorders back in March 2015 at 3am, and it’s applicable now, and I’m sharing it here because I’m proud of my little 23-year-old self :)”

April 15th and its significance in my recovery

After being in the hospital in February, I’ve realized how weird it is that I remember this specific date and what happened on it 12 years ago. There’s no doubt that experience this February was tremendous; I finally got on a med combo that WORKS to control the raging mood disorder that tornadoed through my twenties andContinue reading “April 15th and its significance in my recovery”

Eating Disorders Awareness Week

It’s a bit early, bc the actual week is at the end of the month. Maybe I’ll have something to say that’s completely different than this rant by that time. But for now, while I feeling like typing this mess, here we go…For the last few years (twelve, I guess? seriously?), eating disorders awareness weekContinue reading “Eating Disorders Awareness Week”

One of my most vivid memories is of what happened one sunny April morning when I was sixteen.  My parents had brought me to a random doctor’s office for a random appointment, and it pissed me off because I should have been in school.  I should have been sitting in my AP chemistry class learningContinue reading

Eating Healthy (for real), in spite of eating disordered thoughts

“Think about how it’s nourishing you.”   I’ve gotta cut the crap with this “falling back into my eating disorder” thing. So I’m supposed to eat at least 2 actual meals a day and while I eat, I’m supposed to think about all the good the food is doing me. Nourishing my body. Making myContinue reading “Eating Healthy (for real), in spite of eating disordered thoughts”

Rising up from the ash

My insides were rotting with fiery emptiness.  A terrifying lack of control stoked the flames along with tenacious sadness. The sadness that had simmered on my internal burner for too long, causing the contents of the pot, the emptiness that filled me, to boil over, eventually turning it into the unmatched heat of full-blown depression.Continue reading “Rising up from the ash”

Life: starts going too well, suspiciously well Brain: hey, know what would be fun? a little throwback to the raging anorexia of your youth Me: *is an idiot* Brain, in too deep for comfort all of a sudden: fuck Body: fuck Everyone around me: fuck …so the moral of the story, people, is that evenContinue reading

My insides were rotting with fiery emptiness.  A terrifying lack of control stoked the flames along with tenacious sadness. The sadness that had simmered on my internal burner for too long, causing the contents of the pot, the emptiness that filled me, to boil over, eventually turning it into the unmatched heat of full-blown depression.Continue reading

I can’t figure out my emotions/ moods/ anything involving self-awareness…or can I? No really, someone tell me which.

I discovered the word “alexithymia” like, ten years ago with my friend Meg at the Barnes and Noble between our houses. For the longest time, she was the only person I knew in the real world (not from treatment) who struggled with mental illness like I did.  We connected immediately, skipping most of the normalContinue reading “I can’t figure out my emotions/ moods/ anything involving self-awareness…or can I? No really, someone tell me which.”

The Cutting Thing

February 2008: I was home alone, able to relax and not worry about judgmental comments about my eating habits for a few days. It was going to be a welcomed respite. But when the deadlines drew nearer and the clock hands spun too quickly around their center, the all-too-familiar panic began to rise like floodwaters.Continue reading “The Cutting Thing”