What makes me MAD (and why I strive to be an “Emotional Robin Hood”)

This came up again in therapy today. Something reminded me of it. And I told my therapist “I remember writing about this a while back, and I’m gonna go read it and think about it all again,” so boom, here I am.

lose your mind with me

I’ve been planning this post since yesterday morning, since I was sitting in my therapist’s office talking about work and getting angry and then talking about whatever other stuff and getting angry. My therapist pointed out what types of things seemed to be making me feel that way, that fiercely passionate way. We talked about it, and she suggested that I write down other things that make me, for lack of a better phrase, fucking pissed off. Those weren’t her exact words haha (although she does curse sometimes which I find incredibly cool). I need to find patterns, figure myself out, all that stuff. I thought about it at work yesterday, and I kept thinking about it when I got home and cooked dinner, and I was trying to type this out yesterday night while Andrew and I watched this documentary about flat-earthers because holy SHIT that made me angry…

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*existential crisis intensifies*

I’ve been anxious lately. I’d say “panicky,” but I don’t think that’s the exact right word. I haven’t been having panic attacks (and I don’t particularly care for when people claim they’re having them when they aren’t); I’ve just been in an internal state of messiness. I feel stupid, pathetic, unproductive, like I don’t matter. Those are pretty intense criticisms of myself, I know. And I realize that being all mopey and self-deprecating won’t help anything. But blah, why am I here, what’s the point, what am I doing, what is anyone doing? *existential crisis intensifies*

I’m gonna do something I always feel like I have to do and connect all the dots. Go back and follow the trail that brought me here and see if I can pick up on clues and hints to help me make sense of this feeling I’m experiencing. Good thing I keep journals and basically write every single thought down somewhere or another.

[excerpts from the last two or so weeks below, for your reading pleasure and oh-so-exciting look into my mind]

I have big plans for the day and I’m not feeling bad about it (not feeling good about it, but my mood is a little low, so that’s probably why). I have a science documentary on in the background (I need background noise lately and I’m sick of bullshit on YouTube) and I’m about to get my work done. I can do this, I got this. I dunno why I’m feeling so self-conscious and, I guess the word would be anxious, but I’m pushing on.

i like the idea of having a step-by-step schedule (like breakfast at x time, study at x time, etc.) but who’s gonna regulate that shit? me?

“My bedroom is a mess and stuff very uninspiring so I’m going to clean it before sitting down to write. I’ll turn on some good music or maybe a podcast. Then after I write and get my creativity out, I’m gonna stretch my arthritic body and see if I can start finally feeling better.”

I’m okay, I got this, I have the situation under control/ I’m worthy and valuable regardless of my mental state/ People love and respect me/ I am smart and creative and I have good ideas/ I give off good vibes, I’m fun, and people like being around me/ I have cool hobbies and interests/ I am resilient (boyyyyy am I!)/ I know how to calm and ground myself/ I’m strong as fuck/ I have so much love inside me, and I give it freely, and that makes me happy/ Life is in constant flux but that fact is oddly comforting/ I am whole/ I am unique

i haven’t really been doing anything but i still need a break from everything

“Gotta figure out what to wear tomorrow that’s warm but looks cute. I feel better when I look cute. And when I’m not cold. And when I can focus but I’ve been struggling to remember to take my fucking adhd meds. I know I feel better when I do. But I’ve been guilted into feeling like I don’t deserve to take my meds. I’ve had too many psychiatrists fuck with my head in that regard. Super annoying. Idk I just wanna get shit done.”

“I feel shitty because I ate garbage. It’s no big deal and I shouldn’t feel shitty about that. I think I know why I’m letting it get to me. But it’s still annoying. Whatever. Trying not to let it ruin everything though. I’m soooo much better at handling my emotions in a calmer way. Thank good for the proper meds that allowed me to do that. But I’d still prefer to not be annoyed lol”

“I wanna fucking gooooo…I wanna write and create and think and do. But nothing is coming to me. I refuse to get frustrated because that’s not gonna get me anywhere. Just saying, ugh. I feel overwhelmed because I’m not doing anything that matters. I guess following that logic I can just…do something that matters. Do I just not know what matters to me? That can’t be. I know what I value (creativity, honesty, love, connection, meaning, learning, fun, etc)

I’d post a summary of that chaos, but I need a little while to sit with it all. Stay tuned, if you so desire 😎

It’s important for me to take time to be thankful today…so I’m thinking about

◦ perfume that smells like comfort or home, avocado toast with egg and hot sauce (sprinkled with everything bagel seasoning), binge-watching exciting movies or tv series, selfies when I’m feeling myself, my eternal internal resilience, the smell of the ground after a storm, cookies and milk, oversized hoodies and leggings that make me feel safe, laughing loudly and uncontrollably so hard that it hurts your stomach (but as much as it hurts your stomach it feels happy that amount times ten in your chest), my parents’ unending support, enlightening podcasts, entertaining social media posts, punk rock music playing from mr car speakers so loud that I’m almost actually vibrating (or maybe that’s just excitement!), and the way road trips have so much potential to lead to adventure

Negative self-talk is not helping ‼️

Wallowing in feelings of defeat won’t accomplish anything!

Time to “change the script”

as my therapist would say

Affirmations:

  • I’m okay, I got this, I have the situation under control
  • I’m worthy and valuable regardless of my mental state
  • People love and respect me
  • I am smart and creative and I have good ideas
  • I give off good vibes, I’m fun, and people like being around me
  • I have cool hobbies and interests
  • I am resilient (boyyyyy am I!)
  • I know how to calm and ground myself
  • I’m strong as fuck
  • I have so much love inside me, and I give it freely, and that makes me happy
  • Life is in constant flux but that fact is oddly comforting
  • I am whole
  • I am unique

✨✨✨

I’ve been having a weird week. I’m mopey. My mood is low. I know it’s probably because of the lack of daylight (I love winter but ugh). Or maybe it’s just that I always get like this before Christmas. I can’t complain. I haven’t had an episode in almost ten months (since I was in the psych hospital), and that’s three times as long as I typically go. And even still, like I’m irritable as hell now but it’s manageable and that’s phenomenal. I feel guilty complaining. I definitely don’t have the “right” to (but see that’s an example of the negative thoughts I’m trying to kick away).

Who knows. I just have to keep chugging along.

“Another day” pic from last year, during a major eating disorder relapse and a major bipolar episode. “Merry and bright” pic from this week, which I took bc I felt pretty 🙂

Today I appreciate…

classical music, my boyfriend who’s always inherently known how to make me feel better (or what to do when feeling better isn’t in the cards for me), text message chains that last for a whole day without distracting me too much but still making me feel a lot less lonely, random acts of kindness, clouds that morph into different shapes depending on my imagination, fairytales that have magically happy endings, dainty jewelry, gaudy costume jewelry, fancy diamond jewelry worn on special occasions, the smell of a cake baking in the oven (and the accompanying feeling of deliciousness in the air), licking the leftover batter off the spoon and feeling no guilt, elephant videos, a pen that writes so perfectly that you have a hard time putting it down, fuzzy socks, and collapsing into bed after a long and productive day feeling accomplished

Today I’m grateful for…

✓ shade from trees that’s tinted orange and gold because autumn has turned the leaves burnt red and yellow, air that’s so crisp it gives you the feeling of biting into a juicy apple, boots and scarves and leather jacket outfits, old cartoons that still make me laugh, an organized bookshelf, beanie hats, that squeaky sound it makes when you wipe down a mirror (and the feeling of looking into a pristinely clean reflection), fuzzy blankets, things that make you feel like you’re flying (like swimming or roller skating or even running so fast it feels like your feet aren’t even attached to you anymore), running the water really cold after a steaming hot shower, getting out and then dousing yourself in lotion or oil and slipping into pajamas feeling clean as fuck, my nephew’s little giggle, and classic video games

Today I’m thankful for…

waking up early, morning routines, new beginnings, exciting continuations, therapy and the way it can always make all the yucky stuff go away and if there’s nothing bad going on how it can still really brighten my days, being known and understood, sunny days when you need them the most, having options, aesthetic mood boards and collages, doggy noses and ears and paws, old songs that shuffle onto my playlist and bring me back to old times, fancy art, science documentaries, ideas that literally feel like a light bulb shining bright above your head, fiction books, the various ways human beings have communicated over our history, and cups of coffee that taste like you’re coming to life again

Today I’m thankful for…

✓ puzzles, coloring books, finding random lines of poetry, sparks of inspiration that align with those glorious moments of motivation, peppermint tea, my new favorite sweatshirt, to do lists with most of the items crossed off, finding old to do lists and remembering that you haven’t had to think about the things that seemed to matter so much at that time, stuffed animals, the fact that fresh air exists right outside my door, digital memories, the fact that I have enough holiday-themed mugs to change them up every season, the smell from my candles, comic books, the miracle of modern medicine (not to understate the fact that I’m experiencing an unprecedented stretch of actual mental stability), collections of things that seem random but make me happy, and friendships that endure time and distance and hardship

My boyfriend and I were laying in bed by six last night and long story short, I slept for like fourteen hours. Granted I hadn’t slept much the night before, but I hate uncontrollable sleep. Or I guess I hate when my pattern isn’t consistent (how many times does it need to be proven to me that sleep hygiene is crucial with bipolar).

Woke up discombobulated. But whatever. Had time to get coffee before my morning session of class, which was boring.

Then I went to target and got this awesome and festive $3 coloring book (hashtag mindlessness, am I right?). I am currently absorbed in it, while drinking this lovely hot chocolate concoction without any guilt (not really, anyway). It’s sugar-free hot chocolate with skim milk, and almond milk whipped cream, and a bunch of cinnamon.

I had a talk with my therapist yesterday about my body image lately and how my having chronically harmed my poor little body via eating disorders might have something to do with my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. It’s something I have to think about.

But like, when I’m thinking about all that? I think about how I’m happy with where I am emotionally right now. That’s worth a lot, this stability I’ve found. This stability that’s so new to me (after suffering the chaos of my brain on my own for half my fucking life). I dunno, I just want to be self-aware and informed about what I’m doing, I want to keep my therapist in the loop and make her proud (’cause she’s awesome), and I truly do want to get my weight under control.

It’s like with the sleeping…if it’s out of control (or if it feels out of control, because sleeping longer one night after not sleeping the previous one is NOT “out of control”), it upsets my stability.

Anyway, I think before the second session of class I’m gonna work on a story or something creative. After I finish coloring, that is!