Hope.

“Do you hear the people sing Lost in the valley of the night It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light For the wretched of the earth There is a flame that never dies Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise” —Finale, Les Miserables I hadn’tContinue reading “Hope.”

Still some fight in me

My car has always been a sort of limbo; I wait here, time passing. I am not patient but still content to stay here listening to classical music (some of which I remember playing, years ago) that reminds me I have a past that was full of pain and torment but also of music andContinue reading “Still some fight in me”

Memes and emotionally significant but potentially bullshit Instagram posts are (apparently) gonna get me through today… one step at a time, I guess?

I’m trying here. Still. Still trying. I’ve heard it said that “it’s okay if all you did today was survive.” Well, I’d love to be productive, but I make no promises, sadly. I don’t even know of anything I can even do that would fall under the category of productive. Whatever. I’m sitting at aContinue reading “Memes and emotionally significant but potentially bullshit Instagram posts are (apparently) gonna get me through today… one step at a time, I guess?”

A poem about my daily life that ends far too optimistically, but whatever…

She woke before seven, excitement abundant, still groggy but ready to thrive. She sprang out of bed (or did something like that); it was morning and she was alive! With a handful of pills and a few sips of water, she began with a plea to stay stable. Then came washing and dressing, while countingContinue reading “A poem about my daily life that ends far too optimistically, but whatever…”

  Sometimes it takes a wrong turn to get you to the right place. Having wandered aimlessly for far too long, trudging through the muck, stumbling, at times even crawling, desperately inching forward but getting nowhere still, I realize I am lost. I’ve admitted this to myself countless times before. I have always known thatContinue reading

That’s the last time I try to voluntarily commit myself, the last time I beg on my knees, pleading, begging for an answer, desperately crying for help…never again will I even bother.

There are no amount of words, literally nothing I can say that will make sense of all this. There’s not a way in heaven, hell, or on earth that any of this will make sense or have a purpose. I try to wrap this torturous, painful cycle up in a nice bow. I try toContinue reading “That’s the last time I try to voluntarily commit myself, the last time I beg on my knees, pleading, begging for an answer, desperately crying for help…never again will I even bother.”

Fix me.

I am told I don’t need to be fixed. That there’s nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with how I was unfortunately made. But I want to be fixed. I want it in the deepest depths of my soul, I want it with every single fiber of my worn-out and utterly exhausted being. My illnessContinue reading “Fix me.”

End of my rope, what now?

Here we go again. I barely had the chance to catch my breath but here we fucking go again. It came on quickly, and for no reason, and now I’m trapped in the cage that is my existence with nothing to do but pathetically wait for it to leave me alone…hopefully it eventually will. RageContinue reading “End of my rope, what now?”

Trying to do the self-care thing, once again… Is it working yet? And will this time be the time it STICKS?

I’m trying. I am trying to be okay, and stable, and functioning. I am trying. I hope there’s no one out there who disagrees with me because I really would not be okay with that. It’s 3:30pm. I’m sitting in my bedroom, on the bed. Laptop propped up on a pillow, windows open letting inContinue reading “Trying to do the self-care thing, once again… Is it working yet? And will this time be the time it STICKS?”

What Brings Me Down vs What Fills Me Up

I am 20 years old. I am walking around Stony Brook University, meandering through the buildings, wandering aimlessly across the expansive campus in the pouring rain. I’m drenched from my hair in its high ponytail right down to my purple plaid converse sneakers, but I keep walking. I could be in class; I should beContinue reading “What Brings Me Down vs What Fills Me Up”