Today I’m grateful for…

✓ shade from trees that’s tinted orange and gold because autumn has turned the leaves burnt red and yellow, air that’s so crisp it gives you the feeling of biting into a juicy apple, boots and scarves and leather jacket outfits, old cartoons that still make me laugh, an organized bookshelf, beanie hats, that squeaky sound it makes when you wipe down a mirror (and the feeling of looking into a pristinely clean reflection), fuzzy blankets, things that make you feel like you’re flying (like swimming or roller skating or even running so fast it feels like your feet aren’t even attached to you anymore), running the water really cold after a steaming hot shower, getting out and then dousing yourself in lotion or oil and slipping into pajamas feeling clean as fuck, my nephew’s little giggle, and classic video games

Today I’m thankful for…

waking up early, morning routines, new beginnings, exciting continuations, therapy and the way it can always make all the yucky stuff go away and if there’s nothing bad going on how it can still really brighten my days, being known and understood, sunny days when you need them the most, having options, aesthetic mood boards and collages, doggy noses and ears and paws, old songs that shuffle onto my playlist and bring me back to old times, fancy art, science documentaries, ideas that literally feel like a light bulb shining bright above your head, fiction books, the various ways human beings have communicated over our history, and cups of coffee that taste like you’re coming to life again

Today I’m thankful for…

✓ puzzles, coloring books, finding random lines of poetry, sparks of inspiration that align with those glorious moments of motivation, peppermint tea, my new favorite sweatshirt, to do lists with most of the items crossed off, finding old to do lists and remembering that you haven’t had to think about the things that seemed to matter so much at that time, stuffed animals, the fact that fresh air exists right outside my door, digital memories, the fact that I have enough holiday-themed mugs to change them up every season, the smell from my candles, comic books, the miracle of modern medicine (not to understate the fact that I’m experiencing an unprecedented stretch of actual mental stability), collections of things that seem random but make me happy, and friendships that endure time and distance and hardship

My boyfriend and I were laying in bed by six last night and long story short, I slept for like fourteen hours. Granted I hadn’t slept much the night before, but I hate uncontrollable sleep. Or I guess I hate when my pattern isn’t consistent (how many times does it need to be proven to me that sleep hygiene is crucial with bipolar).

Woke up discombobulated. But whatever. Had time to get coffee before my morning session of class, which was boring.

Then I went to target and got this awesome and festive $3 coloring book (hashtag mindlessness, am I right?). I am currently absorbed in it, while drinking this lovely hot chocolate concoction without any guilt (not really, anyway). It’s sugar-free hot chocolate with skim milk, and almond milk whipped cream, and a bunch of cinnamon.

I had a talk with my therapist yesterday about my body image lately and how my having chronically harmed my poor little body via eating disorders might have something to do with my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. It’s something I have to think about.

But like, when I’m thinking about all that? I think about how I’m happy with where I am emotionally right now. That’s worth a lot, this stability I’ve found. This stability that’s so new to me (after suffering the chaos of my brain on my own for half my fucking life). I dunno, I just want to be self-aware and informed about what I’m doing, I want to keep my therapist in the loop and make her proud (’cause she’s awesome), and I truly do want to get my weight under control.

It’s like with the sleeping…if it’s out of control (or if it feels out of control, because sleeping longer one night after not sleeping the previous one is NOT “out of control”), it upsets my stability.

Anyway, I think before the second session of class I’m gonna work on a story or something creative. After I finish coloring, that is!

Sundays are for gettin’ shit done

I don’t think I got anything done yesterday (besides some online Christmas shopping!), but today was better in that regard. And in lots of other regards.

I woke up around 8, took my meds, recorded my mood info on my apps, got dressed and ready for the day, got my coffee. Typical.

But I checked off a few good habits from my list. Made my bed. Stretched my aching body.

Oh, I painted my nails. I picked out a few outfits for this week (a practice I was into back in my high school years…laying out exactly what I was going to wear because that’d be one less thing to think about during the chaotic week ahead).

I got some volunteer work done. I took one of the last tests for my class.

Texted with various people. Went out with my boyfriend just so we could say we left the house haha.

I’ve been reading more, which is good. I tend to start books and not finish them (hello, hi, I have ADHD) , and even though I usually beat myself up about that or make it a goal to NOT do that, I’ve stopped feeling guilty about it. And it makes me a happier reader. And besides, they’ll always be there for me to finish later, AND it makes finishing books that much more satisfying.

Monday 11.9.20

In other news, we finally figured out what’s wrong with my body. Apparently my bloodwork showed my rheumatoid factor was as high as it could possibly be (over 100 when it should be around 6…yeah, SIX). And with that, and with a few other tests, the doctor concluded that it’s rheumatoid arthritis.

I’m glad it has a name. I’m glad there’s a reason why I can’t hook my bra or lift my legs to put my underwear on (and then my pants, and then my socks, and then my shoes, and ugh holy shit).

I asked her why I have it, what I did wrong. She said I didn’t do anything wrong lol, it usually happens after the body goes through some tough shit, like having surgery or giving birth. I didn’t experience either of those, so go figure, but eh, maybe starving myself yet again for a few months had something to do with it? Whatever.

There’s a medication I can take to help the arthritis. Another pill (twice a day). Add it to my collection. It literally looks like I have a whole pharmacy on my dresser. I’m not mad; it’s worth it to be able to MOVE and FUNCTION haha, but yeah.

oh hey, positivity

The meds won’t kick in for a few more weeks, so in the meantime I’m on another steroid to help ease the pain. The last one really helped, which is a testament to how inflamed I am (oh joy), but you might recall me mentioning that I was rather moody.

That IS, apparently, a thing. I felt a lot better when I realized that was probably what was going on. Although I of course started to question myself and be all like “well maybe I’m just imagining it.”

Like. No.

I’m on a small dose of steroid, but I’m finding that I’m pretty sensitive to it. I’m irritable today. Just the same as last time.

I talked to my psychiatrist about it. She said to trust myself and do what feels best. It was nice to hear her say that she thinks I’m self-aware. Mostly because I don’t really know this woman. I’ve never met her in person (thanks covid), and just, ahh. Whatever. I’m just glad she gives me the meds I need now.

I’m excited to talk to my therapist tomorrow about, well, about all the things I just wrote about. It’s always fun to process things. It’s even more fun for me to process things with my therapist (who’s so fucking cool). Added bonus when I’m process things that aren’t terrifying, terrible depressions or all-consuming anxiety and whatnot.

Some T H O U G H T S:

My moods was stable as fuck and consistent for a good three days and today I’m just blahhhh, which I guess is normal, but it’s annoying. I’m unmotivated and uncertain and unfocused. I somehow turned a cozy and relaxing day into a waste.

I do so much mood tracking and I’m so careful with how I handle my moods and symptoms and how I handle my disorder. But am I doing ALL that I can? Does any of it even matter?

I’m disappointed that my class is turning out to be less than ideal. I mean, it is what it is, and I’ll take what was given to me and run with it. And I guess it’s good that I’m sure of my values and sure of how I feel (which is a rare thing with me haha, in terms of feelings, at least). I’m determined to not less this whole experience bring me back to the center of nowheresville.

See? Trying to be motivated. Because all I want is to be creative and productive and to make a difference. Or a impact. Or something. I want to be loved too, and to enjoy love and affection, and somehow that’s lumped into this whole paragraph??? My brain is weird.

I’m really sick of the rainy weather and I know it has such potential to be comfy, that it’s great reading weather, that it makes the flowers grow, blah blah. But like fuck I need some sunshine I want to sit outside and have my mornings out there.

Speaking of which, I need to regulate my sleep. I’ve been sleeping GOOD, to be honest, but I go to bed too late or sleep too late even when I go to bed early. I want my mornings. I need to set the right time for my day. It fucks me up when I have a bad morning, and even though I know I always have the power to turn my day around, it annoys me.

I was totally on the path towards an 𝖊𝖕𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖉𝖊 but I think I somehow managed to avoid it ✨

First of all, I’m not in pain anymore. It might be the MEGA DOSE of vitamin D every week working for me or maybe the steroids calming down whatever inflammation was there or perhaps both. But I’m eternally thankful to not be in constant discomfort. And more than that, I’m thankful to only have one more steroid pill to take because I really looked into it, and bipolars really should avoid them. But anyway.

I dunno how I was okay with suffering for so many months not being able to bend or stretch or move or use my muscles (not sure how I went 14 years without being properly treated for my mood disorder, but I guess that explains the other thing now, doesn’t it, Lol). I talked to my therapist about that. Good times ❤

Hi enjoy this selfie from my floor purely to celebrate the fact that I can now officially get onto the floor and then get up again without sounding and looking like and FEELING like I’m my grandpa’s age (which I believe is 92) 😎 #imnotold #notthatold #notyetanyway
My rheumatologist appt had to be canceled because the nine vials of blood they took from me haven’t yielded any results yet, so I’ll have to wait a bit longer to find out what the actual issue is, but I can move and I’m fucking thankful. Like, people, you take for granted being able to shave your legs or hook up your bra when you’re able to do it. Yeah I’m thankful I can hook my fucking bra #gratitude

I have to wait a few more weeks to see what the actual issue is with my body (I was told it could be something autoimmune, so like, I’m eager for an answer and a plan of how to deal with it from here) but I feel patient.

I’ll tell you a THING, though, I was pretty hyped up and approaching hypomanic this weekend. Like. Whenever I start laughing like a lunatic, that’s when I know something concerning is happening. And also? This one is hard to explain, but when I relate SO MUCH to a song that I feel it in my cells?? Yeah, hypomanic. I first noticed that in 2018 when I was wildlyyyy and chaotically energetic and I had this one song on repeat and I was swimming laps like a pro swimmer even though I’m not and just, I felt every note, every lyric, every facet of it, and I felt it so deeply.

Bipolar people tend to feel EVERYTHING deeply. We feel more. We react more. That’s an actual thing. But the way that relates to music is a telltale sign for me. I’m not articulating this in a way that does it justice, but I think that’s fine. I think my peopleeeee will understand this ❤

me this weekend…showed this to my boyfriend and my cousin and they laughed lmao, and like, shit I’m so glad to have people who GET me and my brain

rainy mondays are for baggy sweatshirts, lots of coffee, and sea shanties/ pirate music playing through my noise cancelling headphones on repeat…while I try to write and actually be productive

yesterday wasn’t TOO unproductive, to be honest. I had a pretty big spurt of energy in the morning where I cleaned as much as I could in as little time as possible. I did the laundry, put things away, wiped the surfaces down, etc. it doesn’t look phenomenal in this apartment, but it’s more livable, and that’s what I was going for in the moment.

I was trying to do this whole SUNDAY RESET ROUTINE thing

and by that, I mean getting everything set up and organized for the coming week so that I don’t feel like a total shitshow for another seven days.

I like routines. I like the idea of them, and I really like when I stick with them. I was suuuuuper good at my morning routine right out of the psych hospital/right when quarantine started. it was helpful to have that structure, those set things I needed/wanted to do (and actually did). that fell off quite a bit, as could have been expected. and I’m not beating myself up about it. but it’s like, you get fed up, ya know? with the chaos? and you just wanna say “enough is enough” and fix everything right then and there.

the chaos typically doesn’t go anywhere, if I’m being honest. mostly because it’s internal (for me, at least!) haha, but it improves my internal state if I get shit done.

which is a huge reason why I neeeeeed my ADHD meds, and why I need to continue looking up and learning about the delicate relationship between bipolar disorder and ADHD, but I don’t wanna get into that now

[read my article on Libero Magazine about my experience with that, if you want]

usually when I feel like the chaos is gonna make me explode, I do a certain number of things in a certain order…

  • make my environment immediately more inviting: open a window, light a candle, spray some lavender
  • set a timer for ten minutes. make sure the alarm/song for when the timer goes off is fun.
  • clean like hell really quickly but try to get as much done as possible, spread as widely as possible (like, don’t organize inside the dresser drawers bc that has a narrow scope; instead, clean a little in the bedroom, a little in the living room, a little in the kitchen)
  • freshen up (because it’s hot after cleaning): wash face, brush teeth, put moisturizer on, etc
  • journal? read? social media catch-up? whatever, just unwind in a way that doesn’t bring all that momentum to a complete dead stop, because that only makes it feel shitty again

today I actually have some more important shit to do than just cleaning and organizing.

I have to work on some of my volunteer work, which should be fun, but it might require a lot of my brain.

and I have to do stuff for my class. work on all the tests I need to finish by november. and I also wanna like…gather my thoughts on the whole thing. really get my opinions and ideas together. I wanna talk about it with my therapist next week.

therapy today was awesome, as always ❤ I was in a mopey mood this morning (as I have been for like two weeks…possibly because of the steroids, possibly because I’m heading for a full-blown episode…not sure, and not sure I want to dwell on it) but anyway, she always knows how to distract me and get me out of it. get me talking and being like, MYSELF (my talkative, excitable self) and I love her for that reason (and many others).

^^ that was two days ago, a fun reminder from one of my mood tracking apps

[today I broke the “meh” streak, by the way!]

okay I’m gonna stop procrastinating and get to work. this has been fun, this update featuring the pointless pictures I take and save and have ✌

have a lovely monday, bloggerrssssss!!