I journal obsessively, whenever I can, wherever I can

I basically like, HAVE to. I have to get the words out, the thoughts out, the feelings out in a way that makes some semblance of sense. And the thing is that it’s usually always all confusing and messy, so I have to MAKE it make sense. Straight-up forging meaning out of nothing. Well, not nothing. But like, out of chaos.

Anyway. I have physical notebooks (tons of them). I always have. But I also journal digitally. I guess it started when I got my first iPad. I have journals upon journals in goodnotes (that are now all uploaded to my phone). I went through a microsoft onenote phase, so I have all those journals too. And then I just have years worth of entries from the notes app on my phone. I love having every thought I’ve ever had with me at all times on my fuckin phone, it’s the coolest thing to me. Oh, and then there’s google docs for like essays and bigger entries.

I’m currently using notion. I feel like every youtuber I watch is big into notion these days. I don’t know if I was using it before it exploded in the realm of influencers, but either way, it’s cool seeing videos on it specifically, because I like seeing people customizing it.

But like…that’s not the point of this blogpost, actually. It’s related, I guess. Because I think using different mediums to journal promotes creativity. And this notion site is allowing me to really lean into the creativity thing.

My point, though, is that I’ve had a lot of thoughtssssss lately, and it’s overwhelming. Maybe it’s just that LIFE is overwhelming (it objectively is, like, you can’t argue with that fact, tbh). But it’s more than that. I keep facing philosophical dilemmas and being plagued by existential crises. It is nonnnnnstop.

Like why are we here. What is the purpose of all this? Is my life meaningful? I’d say all life is meaningful by default, but that’s not what I mean when I ask that question, really.

I keep track of these random tremendous thoughts and questions and predicaments somewhere on one of my journaling apps (or in a paper notebook, obv). But now even that’s not enough. What good does it do for me to explore these deep fucking ideas if the ideas just rot in a journal app on my phone.

I don’t know where I’m going with this lol. I also don’t know where I’m going in life, but I’m actually less concerned with the latter because it’s just too big an issue to focus on. Like I said earlier. Overwhelming.

Probably not healthy to ignore that looming question of WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. But maybe if I find the meaning of existence, life will give me a free pass in the career department. Who knows.

in-between

𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙨𝙩𝙮 𝙖𝙨𝙛, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚 ✨🖤🥀

I don’t know if I’m in a bad mood or not. I feel shitty. Mopey. But not depressed. The super fucking confusing to me. And upsetting. But it’s manageable. But it’s annoying and I don’t like it. But it isn’t paralyzing me. Why is existing still something I have to feel guilty about? I’m confused. This period of my life is just uncertainty. Now that the other chaos has subsided, the uncertainty I’ve always been plagued with can be front and fucking center. It’s fine. I’m just off and blah and yucky. I can’t focus, either. Which doesn’t fucking help. But anyway.

*… 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨 + 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙞𝙛 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 …*

hit the brain jackpot, that’s for sure

I was thinking, and I’ve decided that morning routines aren’t easily attainable for people with adhd (like me) who struggle with jumping from one task to another. BUT. they’re super necessary for people with bipolar disorder (like me again!) who have a messed up circadian rhythm and could benefit from structure and routine to counteract the chaos they live with internally. but like

WHAT ARE BIPOLAR PEOPLE WITH ADHD SUPPOSED TO DO 

My morning routine consists of doing different tasks in succession, as routines do, and I’ve been toying with it since I was in the hospital in February, right before quarantine started.

Maybe I’m just lacking other structures in my life, but it is frustrating, I think.

A bad experience? Or a fun story to tell?

I went to the beach to take a picture with my orb because I’m turly enjoying being artsy with this thing.

I had been itching to get out of the house, as always, and I didn’t know where to go, as always, and I was uncertain that I’d actually wind up at the beach until I actually got there. And even then, I wasn’t sure I’d get out of my car to take a picture.

[I’ve been in a funk. I don’t want to call it depression because I’m so fucking medicated how could it possibly be depression…but like, then what it is? Just me being a piece of shit?]

Uncertainty. It’s an ever-present force in my life, and it has been for a while.

But anyway, I got to the beach, got out of the car, walked down to the long stretch of sand, and took some pictures. It made me happy out of habit. It was a dulled sort of happiness. A happiness that shrugged and was just like “eh, this place makes me feel good so I guess I feel good.”

Then I walked a bit further to the water. I put my photography crystal ball thing down. Snapped one pic. Two pics.

Then I noticed the water getting closer to me. I grabbed the ball, and…couldn’t get up. Fuck fuck fuck.

I was soaked with ocean water before I had the time to curse myself for forgetting I have arthritis and can’t move normally but fuck, I still couldn’t get UP. I scooted up towards dry sand, and after (I shit you not) FIVE or so MINUTES, I was able to stand up like a normal human being, trek back to my car…

and start laughing hysterically as I snapchatted a friend to tell him what happened.

I drove back home listening to Disney music feeling as anxious as I’ve been feeling lately, but happier than the dull-happy I’d felt before getting overtaken by the ocean on this luckily-oddly-warm winter morning.

the friend I messaged about the hilarious events of the beach said my pics looked like they could be hanging as inspirational quotes in a therapist’s office, and he kindly showed me what he meant^ lmao I love it

Life is weird and I’m grappling with it on a super-deep and weirdly existential level, I guess (why are we here, what is the point, what am I doing, why bother doing it)…but at least I got th play in the ocean today.

medicated, still bipolar, what now

I’m having a hard time focusing. I’m anxious and stressed out over it. Feeling yucky. Off. Like somethings wrong but I can’t figure out what. The result is irritability and frustration. It’s overall just a dull version of what I’ve been feeling for the better half of my life (bipolar depression).

But I have to remember that for the better half of my life, I’ve suffered from bipolar symptoms/depression. That explains what this bullshit is. It’s just way less intense because I take 193741 pills every morning and night.

I can either see that as an unfortunate reality, that nothing can ever fully cure this bullshit. Or I can see it as an improvement, an important step forward, a bridge to being able to do better things.

I know I’d benefit from proper adhd treatment. But my heart definitely leapt when I had that a-ha moment of “thhaaat’s what’s going on here.” It feels better when things make sense, at least.

My brain has not been cooperating with me lately

I mean, I’m making it work ✨

I just can’t focus, though. And it affects my mood which is super fucking annoying.

My sister got me this orb thing lol and it’s for photography but I just find it so cool

I don’t know if I said but due to utter stupidity I didn’t have my antipsychotic for a while and I’m preeeettty sure that’s still affecting me.

Ugh. But I’m surviving.

I’ve been journaling a lot. Doing a whole bunch of self-reflection and figuring stuff out.

⋮ Vanilla Honey Latte ⋮

I’m just overwhelmed because there’s too much time but somehow not enough time and certainly not enough structure but I should be enjoying it even though I know it’s stressful for people with brains like mine and ahh

Resolutions: Why I’m on the Fence

We’re going to be hearing quite a lot about New Year’s resolutions in the coming weeks, and I’m personally preparing for it to stress me out and potentially impact my mental health.

I have no problem with resolutions in general. There’s nothing wrong with, and there’s even value in, looking ahead to the future and thinking about goals and making plans to improve. It’s just the way New Year’s resolutions are considered a standard, something we absolutely must take part in.

It’s almost as if we’re lazy if we don’t reach what we set out to reach from the resolutions we feel obligated to make. Not achieving something doesn’t make us lazy.

People also attach a high value to the “fresh start” that January 1st provides but don’t consider the fact that when the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, time continues like it always has. While it’s great to be optimistic and aim high, and it isn’t inherently unhealthy to hope that the brand new year will be different, we too often find we’ve done nothing concrete to set out achieving our resolutions. This personally leads inevitably to me feeling like I’ve “failed” somehow.

I understand that an arbitrary fresh start can be super motivating. I just think we need to explore deeper within ourselves. If we’re imagining getting motivated once the near year has finally officially begun, I think we’d benefit from asking ourselves why we’re waiting and what we think will be different after the 1st. Or rather, we should figure out how we’re going to make it different.

It’s also the fact that “resolution” by definition means to make a firm choice to do something or to not do something. When I think about making firm decisions, I think of the rigid and unhealthy rules my eating disorder laid out for me. It just feels too similar.

Perhaps those without eating disordered tendencies feel differently about rigidity, and I respect that. However, I also question the logic and encourage self-awareness.

On that note, I find New Year’s resolutions are rarely about mental health improvement and instead focus on cliche ideas of productivity or the unattainable concept of perfection. In this way, resolutions seem to set me up for failure. 

One major con is that the reasoning behind a resolution gets lost when you’re too zoomed in. The big picture is hard enough to keep in mind when we’re going through daily life and trying to do our best each day. To be laser-focused on one thing might distract from the fact that you’re doing your best. The truth is, we don’t need to measure success based on singular, particular things.

Another is that resolutions can lead to unhealthy competition. I’ve noticed that conversations about New Year’s goals in the beginning of January stress me out because I wind up comparing what I’m aiming for with what other people are aiming for. And I could swear I’ve been part of conversations where it feels like everyone’s actually trying to one-up each other. It’s never healthy for me to compare my goals with someone else’s; I go at my own pace and I’ve learned to be happy with that.

Even as I type this, though, a piece of my brain is contemplating what I might want to resolve to do or not do in 2021. I’m someone who’s dedicated to personal growth and improvement. It’s important to me to be better tomorrow than I was today.

So do I make resolutions? Do I continue trying to be better tomorrow but without the pressure of specific resolutions? Do I make them but modify them?

A pro to resolutions is that they help us focus on what we want. If I were to go without setting a resolution, it might leave me feeling uncertain about what I want to accomplish this year. By contrast, focusing on something specific, writing it down, and revisiting it, will most likely motivate me to achieve it. It’s a less passive process than simply having a feeling of what you want to do.

Another is they help you manifest what you want. I’m not hugely spiritual, and as much as I think the Law Of Attraction is fascinating to think about, I don’t live by it. But I truly think there’s something to “manifesting something into existence.” It goes back to being focused on a specific thing. If “get a promotion” is on your mind, you’ll be doing more things to put yourself in a place to be promoted.

Also, it feels really good to see your resolutions actualized. I’d hate to be negative or make a blanket statement that New Year’s resolutions all go unfulfilled (that’s just not true). And on that note, I’d hate to ignore the fact that not everyone is intimidated by their concept. For those who find them helpful, having set resolutions is great because it makes it feel that much better to do what you set out to do. If you’re one of those people, go make things happen and enjoy the spoils of your hard work! (If you’re not, that’s fine too)

One last thought I have is that whatever you choose to do, it’s perfectly fine to want to coast through 2021. It doesn’t make you less than if you can’t bring yourself to resole anything. We’re coming out of a year of pure chaos, we’re allowed to just exist. You’re also allowed to set the bar high. Just take care of your mental health regardless.

Emotional Alchemy…?

Today wasn’t a bad day. It just wasn’t good. I barely slept last night and I was anxious and there was nothing to do. The elements of a good day just weren’t there.

As I sat at my kitchen table at 4:45 this morning (after I gave up trying to sleep and went ahead and made myself a cup of coffee), I was still pretty excited about the coming hours. I like mornings. They’re full of hope and promise and excitement, like, inherently. Plus, I knew it was going to snow. AKA the perfect excuse to cozy up with a mug of hot cocoa and a fun YA novel and a fuzzy blanket.

By 7:00, I was struggling to hold onto that “inherent morning hope” because it felt like I’d been up forever and I was fucking bored and annoyed and distracted/unfocused and my body hurt (whyyyy, rheumatoid arthritissss!).

I wound up napping at 10:30 or so (which didn’t fix everything but certainly helped), but at some point before that, my wandering mind landed on this idea of emotional alchemy. It’s not an actual thing that I know of. It is, however, an analogy that weirdly motivated me today.

From what I understand, alchemy is a thing that was a sort of precursor to chemistry, concerned with “transformation of matter.” Alchemists wanted to turn regular metals into gold.

I also understand it as a way make something new and better from whatever shit you actually have. I mean…right? That’s an accurate understanding?

And we’re clear on the analogy I’m trying to make? I’m trying to compare alchemy with utilizing the garbage parts of the day ahead to conjure a good mood even when there’s nothing particularly good happening. I want to create something better out of something blah.

Anyway, my mind continued to wander, asking itself a few questions to hammer out these details:

What are the components of a good mood (and by that I mean happiness)? Off the top of my head? Something to do, a sense of purpose, a way to spend time that you can enjoy. An environment you can be comfortable in (I prefer calm and not stressful, but some people enjoy busy and chaotic bc it keep them entertained). Feeling good physically. There are more, but you get the drift.

All of this is just as legit as the actual alchemy, and it doesn’t even fully make sense to me, but I think in comparisons. That’s how I process information, most times.

And I told myself I’d try to put words to a page to process this idea haha so here we are, I guess 🙂

revisiting & reflecting

In March 2019, which feels like yesterday but also a billion years ago, I wrote about how I often found myself getting mad when unfair shit happened, or when people were just cruel (as people so often –too often—are). It was something that a therapy session made me delve deeper into, and I clearly remember writing it because I thought the phrase “emotional Robin Hood” was cool.

Welllll, I had therapy today, and that phrase popped into my mind again while we were talking about something. This time, it was more relating to how I need to stand up for myself. How it’s okay to know what I need and make sure I get it, how it’s okay to be confident and certain.

When we hung up (because therapy is vi a FaceTime, thanks to covid, even though I really want a hug, and I told her that haha), I dug up the thing I wrote that I was thinking about.

And I’m still thinking about it.

First of all, I’d like to think that I’ve made progress in my life, and that my issues now are pretty different than the ones I had a few years ago. And thankfully, that’s mostly true. But I do still circle back to things that were troubling me in year past. I revisit them from time to time as my life flows to bring them up again.

I definitely believe that we are taught the same lessons over and over again until we fully learn them (and that then life starts to teach us new ones), so I’m not stressing that I have to redo some soul searching.

It’s actually kind of interesting to see how I deal with a particular problematic behavior or emotion now as opposed to how I did then. It reminds me of pulling out old journals and reading through what I wrote and then re-processing what I was going through. That’s gotta be healthy, right? Growth, progress, learning…it can’t be a bad thing to focus on those things.

So. Basically we were talking about how three of the four psychiatrists I’ve seen were not good for me. The first one I’d been with for over ten years and he straight up just wasn’t treating my bipolar disorder. Like. Dude. Give me meds. Proper bipolar meds. But that’s a sidenote. I was going to say that three of the four have made me feel shitty about taking my adhd meds. Like I don’t deserve them, like if I’m taking them I’m wrong, like I’m lazy for needing them.

Like, this current one, until recently, only gave me 20 pills for a month. I…need to concentrate every day??? Like???? I don’t get it.

Anyway, my therapist and I were talking about college and how I feel like I didn’t try hard enough (not that anyone should blame me, my brain was trying to murder me up until 10 months ago). She said about my stimulants, like, “why do you value what those three psychiatrists think? You know what goes on inside you and your body best.”

(Have I mentioned I love my therapist?)

Then we got on the topic of not giving power to those people. She said another one of her bipolars told her a quote that stuck with her: don’t throw pearls at pigs. Meaning don’t waste my good shit for shitty people that aren’t supportive.

That’s what made me think of my emotional Robin Hood thing. Whatever she said in regards to not going out of our way for cruel people.

None of this seems to be related, and maybe it isn’t. But I like that I have writing to help me reflect on things that are hard to wrap my mind around. So I’m not upset about uploading this sheer mess of words to this thing. It’ll be good to look back on 😊