I just bought a new car. As I was throwing shit from my old car away, I found a chemistry wkbk from college. And it seems fitting to start with a chemistry book that also ties into the car thing, because jfc was THAT a source of stress —through no fault of my own, too, believe it or not. You might not believe it. Bc I definitely have a tendency to be: dramatic, reactive, intense, unstable. Read: BIPOLAR. I’m not ashamed of my brain, obv. God knows I talk about it enough times and with enough enthusiasm. I truly don’t get why people are ashamed of mental stuff. I feel lucky that I don’t get it. That being said, I’ve worked hard to control my reactions responses emotions. When I’m in a particularly bad spot I like to kindly and gently remind people that it’s a BIG undertaking to regulate my mood every second of every goddamn day. I’m not trying to have a pity party. Im actually trying but struggling to get to my point… Even though I work to regulate myself, I’m still living in this meat prison of a body with an electrified gray lump of chemical shit animating me in ways I’ve read about but can’t even begin to fathom like fuck wtf ya know? I’m still (wildly) BIPOLAR. I can’t help it that I think in ways that are bigger than said gray lump can process, let alone articulate coherently. I’ve been in a continuous unyielding existential crisis since longer than I remember. If I let my thoughts wander too close to the edge of philosophical boundaries, I spiral into the abyss and land somewhere in a panic attack via some wormhole that I know must exist bc I always find myself there but I can’t actually SEE. Would you be able to see an actual wormhole? Wait are those real things? Fck see now I have to go look this up, lemme just start panicking now and save myself the time. I once again stray from my point (*violently suppresses the urge to complain about adhd not being taken seriously because that’s not that this is about at this particular moment*). Sometimes I look to science for answers. Metaphorically. I make some random ass connection and guide myself into better understanding by making a correlation. Chemical reactions are what make shit from other shit. One kind of rxn is synthesis, where reactants are converted to, like, DIFFERENT SUBSTANCES. That’s cool right? Right? Anyway. A substance is inert when it doesn’t react. I’m thinking mostly of the gases in the last group of the table. They have eight electrons in their last shell, as many as a shell holds, and all that really means is that they’re exactly where they wanna be. If an atom has seven electrons in its last shell, it really wants another one. It wants to be there. If it only has one, the atom really wants to get rid of that motherfucker so it goes back to eight in the previous shell. Last piece of science: you can force an inert gas to form a compound but it takes alotta energy. Analogy time: I have the absolute wrong number of electrons. Duh. I’m unstable (a word that words in both ways here ahh yay). I looked up the most reactive element and it looks like it’s fluorine. Not quite like me because that bad boy has seven electrons and wants one more. I feel like I’m more like sodium or something early in a period because I give away my electrons (meaning myself, I give all of myself to people, or at least I think I feel like I do). Actually that works well because it would literally take more energy for sodium to accept seven electrons than to just give away what it has. I try to be inert. I strive to be at least a LITTLE more inert. I know there are negatives of being an inert gas (sometimes called “noble” gases, which like okay being level headed is noble on some regards but I think the title is a bit much for this metaphor). And I know they are still CAPABLE of reacting (they just require more pushing than the average person/element). Wrapping this nonsense up in a makeshift bow because I have a compulsive desire to do so, people/ elements/ reactions/ emotions/ LIFE isn’t straightforward. But if you look around and try to understand it, it’s easier (?)

Published by ittakesrain

|| It takes rain to make a rainbow!

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