my brain is utter chaos lately

went from not sleeping at all to sleeping for a frighteningly long time, not surprising (hashtag bipolar life) but still fucking annoying. something is up. i’m irritable. anxious. generally just fucking off and YUCKY for lack of a better word (all the words I have now lack becuase none of the good ones wanna get anywhere close to my fucking brain). i have therapy tomorrow and i wanna have a good like, summary of how things have gone since we last spoke. but getting that together seems overwhelming. everything seems overwhelming. i’m super fucking annoyed

–last week

Writing about what we talked about in therapy

(seems like I’m always doing that, and my inner writer is super thankful for therapy, although all of me is thankful for therapy haha, but forreal, I’m glad that I’m able to explore topics in the safety of therapy and then process them again more fully via writing,.. ANYway)

She sent me a funny meme along with something that said “our thoughts are sometimes assholes that lie to us”

Because I’ve been super negative lately. Just a shitshow of “I don’t deserve this” and “I’m not worthy of that” and the usual whirlwind of “I’m a failure who does nothing and it’s pathetic and everyone should just kick me a bunch of times to even things up”

Yeah fuck my brain lol. I think it’s worse than usual lately because we’ve been talking about hard stuff in therapy every week. And I’ve been doing my job and thinking about it a lot. I wanna be my best self. I wanna do good for myself so I can do good for other people. (She’d probably remind me I should do good for myself because I deserve to do good for myself).

Anyway. I’m trying to control the intrusive thoughts. Because I mean I said that’s what they’re called right? That’s what this bullshit is??? (It is lol)

In the meantime, here are some thoughts…

How To Know When Your Thoughts Are Lying:

  • The “facts” your head tells you don’t check out with what your family and friends and loved ones say
  • They’re overly negative without compromise or middle ground to tell you some of the positives
  • They are dramatic, extreme, or hyperbole
  • They’re all-or-nothing
  • You avoid telling people what you’re thinking bc you know the person will think you’re being dramatic, or that they won’t understand
  • Your thoughts about yourself don’t match how you want to be or how you try to be (the effort you put into yourself doesn’t pay out in terms of your confidence)
  • You acknowledge your thoughts with anger, shame, fear, etc
  • If you’re questioning your thoughts in the first place, chances are there’s a good reason for your doubts (aka: your thoughts are lying to you
picture I took on the way to get my first covid vaccine 🙂 I wasn’t driving haha

Another fun thing that’s been on my mind… My αɯƙɯαɾԃɳҽʂʂ keeps me company; whenever I’m lonely or bored or get that eery feeling of anxiety, I fidget weirdly or talk to myself ridiculously or crumble into my inner world that I can’t fully explain but feels super…unique. Coping mechanism? Not a terrible one.

Why am I here. What am I doing. Why are my thoughts so painfully negative. Why can’t I do this, why can I still not do this.

–this shit keeps running through my head and it’s killing me

I’m working to: not believe everything I think. Learning to not question every intrusive existential thought so deeply…because those type of -philosophical questions- aren’t going anywhere. They aren’t pressing questions. It’s not even “who cares,” it’s more “do I have to concern myself with this right now?”

Thought to adopt for Monday mornings: It’s gonna be a week. I don’t know if it’s gonna be long or not. I don’t know if it’ll be easy or hard, fun or painfully boring. I don’t know how I’m gonna feel (I never do). but I know it’s gonna be a week. And I know when I can’t be positive I have to be NEUTRAL.

It’s important to know your worth  (apparently), and I’m gonna do the whole “fake it til I make it” thing, because that seems to work

I’m gonna try to collect my thoughts further (like when I get flustered and trip over my words in therapy and she tells me to breathe and start over when I’m calmer)

Published by ittakesrain

|| It takes rain to make a rainbow!

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