I’ve been feeling okay for the most part, especially having just made it past the ONE YEAR OF STABILITY mark! But I’ve been having some issues with pain, and that was disheartening. I might have overreacted, but such is my nature haha
Journal from March 7: If it’s not one thing, it’s another, and I shouldn’t complain but like what the fuck
I can’t put pressure on my leg
It’s stiff in my calf and sometimes pain extends up my leg and down to my ankle. It’s been like this for over two days and it LOOKS like it’s fine. There’s no prrof I’m in pain, but it’s painful and sore and I can’t walk. I don’t understand.
Because if it’s not this leg thing it’s the rheumatoid arthritis, and if it’s not that it’s some mental health bullshit.
What is wrong with me and why do I feel stupid
Very “woe is me,” I know. I think that’s just how I am. I’m dramatic. Reactive. Although I definitely try to be positive and optimistic whenever I can. It usually takes conscious effort, but I do have some elements of optimist in me, deep down to match the bubbly, energetic me that’s around half the time (hi, I’m the epitome of bipolar, nice to meet you).
Like this quote I found back in high shool:
I try to prove to myself that I’m optimistic, and this stream-of-thought I’m typing out here is actually helping me connect how I feel to what I’m supposed to be thinking about for my therapy homework lol.
I’m supposed to be thinking about getting my needs met, why I have trouble with it, the definition of complaining, and why it’s completely different from getting what I need and deserve.
If it’s not clear (my brain jumps from topic to topic in seemingly random ways), that’s related because I think complaining, being pessimistic, and being dramatic makes me unworthy of help.
I’m not sure where the mental associations came from.
I guess I’m supposed to be figuring it out, I’ll let you know how it goes haha