That’s such a sign of internalized capitalism, thinking how much I get done is tied to my worthiness. And if you’ve been following along with my journey this week, you might recall me feeling like I’m not worthy of existing and not being in pain. Yeah, fucked up, huh.
But that aside, I’m happy that I’m going to bed feeling fulfilled and like I’ve done my best.
I went to the bookstore today. I got a bunch of kids books to give to the kids in my life with birthdays coming up. Treated myself to a coffee and an adorably inspirational Disney book (for children).
I have a bunch of books like that. Cute and inspiring and nice to pick up when you’re in a funk.
Oh and I also bout an issue of ADDitude magazine. Love learning about what’s wrong with my brain lol.
Speaking of what’s wrong with me:
- I’ve been learning more and more about rheumatoid arthritis this week, and it does make me feel more empowered. There’s a lot of info and I’m kind of overwhelmed, but it’s a process. Took me long enough to learn about bipolar and I’d had the diagnosis a lot longer than I’ve had the RA one.
- I still think I’m fighting my brain in terms of a mood episode. But I slept last night for longer than I’ve been able to in a while, so I feel better. I feel like it’s one of those times where I just have to tell myself “I’m still bipolar even though it’s so much better than it was for 14 years of my life, so I’m still gonna have fluctuations.”
- On the other hand, though, is that normal? I’ll have to discuss it with my psychiatrist. Idk like, maybe this isn’t normal and my perception is just skewed. Or maybe my shitty self-esteem is affecting it.
- It’s hard for me to admit that I have low self-esteem. I mean in a lot of ways I’m super confident and sure of myself and proud of myself. But I’m also not. It’s a tricky dichotomy. And I think it’s fine to be confused about it.
I’ve been thinking more about job stuff, too. And I don’t feel like elaborating too much on it, but I’ve come to terms with some things and I think that’s gonna be helpful for me.
Acknowledge where you are —the journey is where you find appreciation for the destination.Eternal Sunshine