For starters, I hven’t slept in three days. I mean, an hour here and an hour there, yeah. But I’m exhausted but can’t remain asleep for longer than that. It’s infuriating. I’ve been sleeping irregularly for longer than three days, maybe like three weeks total, but it’s so bad lately.
(It’s a bipolar thing)
I also can’t get to a good temperature. Like, I cannot get comfortable. I’m too hot, I take off my sweatshirt. I’m suddenly freezing. Put the layers back on. Uncomfortably hot. Lower the heat, raise the heat, try different combinations of heat temp and layers of clothing. I can’t get to a normal fucking temperature.
(Probably also a bipolar thing –I just looked up a bunch of stuff about circadian rhythms -which are fucked in bipolars- and temperature regulation, and it’s all related)
Long story short, I’m pretty sure I’m heading into some sort of episode, probably mixed because I have these flashes of wild and chaotic energy where I flirt with my boyfriend and ask him a million random questions and gesticulate crazily and have all this energy I feel the burning desire to release from my body. And then I’ll crash. Andrew even said, without glancing in my direction yesterday, “have you crashed yet?” and like, I love him for knowing me so well and understanding the bipolarness of my brain so well. But I rely on him to help me guage the severity of this bullshit and to help me see things realistically…and if HE knows something is up, it’s not a good sign.
I’m moody. It’s manageable, but it’s annoyinggggggg. I’m more irritable than I’ve been in a long time, and again, it’s manageable, but jfc like, I’d rather just NOT, ya know?
I’ve been fine for a year, and I know I shouldn’t complain. And I’m gonna be honest, I feel like I absolutely don’t deserve to complain. Especially because I’m not fucking working, so what’s the difference anyway. But it’s still shitty. It’s not fun feeling exhausted and unable to do anything about it. And I’m fairly certain not letting someone sleep is certified torture, so that’s fun.
I’m pretty sure I have a psychiatrist appointment next week, which is good. But I doubt she’ll be helpful. And tbh I’m terrified she’s gonna take my adhd meds away without giving me another solution for my adhd. Yeah, stimulants can cause mania, but I STILL HAVE ADHD like if I can’t focus it impacts my mood and makes me sadder and more anxious than I have to be. But like, people don’t take adhd seriously, but it’s often just as bad as any other of my mental illnesses.
I guess I’ll wait and see how the rest of this week goes. I see my nephew this weekend which is GREAT for my mental health!! Although bad for my arthritis lmao. BUt I’ll suffer the aches and pains for that boy any day any time anywhere, I just love him so much.
I’m gonna keep taking Motrin bc with its anti-inflammatory and pain killing magic, I might as well. FUCK the belief that I deserve to suffer. How does that help me? How does that help ANYbody? (and doesn’t my pointless and ever-present guilt stem from me wanting to be a better person than I am??? no really, I’m asking, I have no real clue)
Yeah. I’ll get this updated once I figure that out Lol