Looking at my apps and reading through journals from the last month and looking at pictures I took. Trying to get a full idea of what my moods were like, what symptoms of what mental illnesses I had, how I dealt with it all. Reviewing goals and plans. Thinking about February.
First: I use an app called Daylio to track how my mood changes throughout the day and how it looks graphed overall over time. I pay for it because my bipolar ass relies on this thing haha, but there’s a free version that’s just as cool. It’s an awesome app because of all the different ways it shows the data you input. And the fact that you can change the colors and icons and personalize it is cool. But now it has a feature now that lets you add a photo to your mood log, and its really fueling my addiction to selfies haha. I’m all about the confidence that comes with taking a picture of your own beautiful face, and I think it’ll be super fun to look back on all the pictures whenever I’m going through my moods in the future.
I also use eMoods, which is specifically for bipolar. I track my meds and sleep on there, along with the specific bipolar symptoms (depressed mood, elevated mood, irritability, and anxiety) and I pay for that one too which allows me to also track other things like my focus.
My journals obviously tell me how my moods were over the course of the month, too. So putting all this together aaaandddd I can see that January wasn’t great but it didn’t totally suck, either. I think the major reason for this is my lack of distractions or things to do in general. But that doesn’t seem like it’s changing any time soon.
I figured out that it’s not that I’m not motivated –because for a long time I was just like “well I’m a piece of shit who can’t succeed in life and can’t make anything happen so I should just sit here hating myself.” Not the best attitude. But I am motivated, I’ve just got nowhere to PUT the motivation. There’s nothing specific to focus on in terms of motivation and success. There’s nothing important to be done.
I can’t continue talking about all that shit without explaining my ongoing existential crisis, though. I am continually bombarded with thoughts like WHY ARE WE HERE and WHAT IS THE PURPOSE FOR ALL THIS and DOES ANYTHING MATTER ANYWAY.
I’m obviously not the first person to think of shit like that. Philosophy is a thing, and has been for a while (and furthermore, it’s something I really enjoy reading about and thinking about).
It’s just…the thoughts are plaguing me.
My therapist was like “it’s the little things that matter” and in her infinite wisdom, she’s absolutely correct. But scroll back on this page, you’ll see I have plenty of lists of the little things in life that matter to me. I think I’m thinking of it all wrong.
I collect quotes, too (again, scroll back a few posts and you’ll probably find some of the ones I found recently). And I try to sit there and find meaning in those words that seemed so profound to me. But it’s hard, man.
Like, seriously. What makes me happy? I know things make me happy. I AM happy.
Which is huge, by the way, because this time last year I was heading to crazyville on a speeding train and it landed me in a psych hospital and it was super intense. It was absolutely necessary. And I’m incredibly thankful that happened. I’m just trying to say that I know depression rather intimately and I’m NOT depressed. I’m just a little mushy.
It’s fine. I think this lukewarm kind of emotion is just different because even having been relatively sane for a year…I’m still used to huge and reactive emotions that can’t be contained in my little body.
Even with all the meds, I’m still bipolar. It’s just me, and I’m cool with it (now that I’m not straight-up suffering every day lol), and if this is what I have to deal with, I’m fine with it.
That all being said, it’s probably the boredom and lack of direction making things feel extra anxious and yucky. I’m sure I’ll feel better when I start finding more to do.
Was this even a mood roundup? I’m not sure I actually accomplished the summary I wanted to accomplish, but it was actually kinda cathartic, so yay for that?