revisiting & reflecting

In March 2019, which feels like yesterday but also a billion years ago, I wrote about how I often found myself getting mad when unfair shit happened, or when people were just cruel (as people so often –too often—are). It was something that a therapy session made me delve deeper into, and I clearly remember writing it because I thought the phrase “emotional Robin Hood” was cool.

Welllll, I had therapy today, and that phrase popped into my mind again while we were talking about something. This time, it was more relating to how I need to stand up for myself. How it’s okay to know what I need and make sure I get it, how it’s okay to be confident and certain.

When we hung up (because therapy is vi a FaceTime, thanks to covid, even though I really want a hug, and I told her that haha), I dug up the thing I wrote that I was thinking about.

And I’m still thinking about it.

First of all, I’d like to think that I’ve made progress in my life, and that my issues now are pretty different than the ones I had a few years ago. And thankfully, that’s mostly true. But I do still circle back to things that were troubling me in year past. I revisit them from time to time as my life flows to bring them up again.

I definitely believe that we are taught the same lessons over and over again until we fully learn them (and that then life starts to teach us new ones), so I’m not stressing that I have to redo some soul searching.

It’s actually kind of interesting to see how I deal with a particular problematic behavior or emotion now as opposed to how I did then. It reminds me of pulling out old journals and reading through what I wrote and then re-processing what I was going through. That’s gotta be healthy, right? Growth, progress, learning…it can’t be a bad thing to focus on those things.

So. Basically we were talking about how three of the four psychiatrists I’ve seen were not good for me. The first one I’d been with for over ten years and he straight up just wasn’t treating my bipolar disorder. Like. Dude. Give me meds. Proper bipolar meds. But that’s a sidenote. I was going to say that three of the four have made me feel shitty about taking my adhd meds. Like I don’t deserve them, like if I’m taking them I’m wrong, like I’m lazy for needing them.

Like, this current one, until recently, only gave me 20 pills for a month. I…need to concentrate every day??? Like???? I don’t get it.

Anyway, my therapist and I were talking about college and how I feel like I didn’t try hard enough (not that anyone should blame me, my brain was trying to murder me up until 10 months ago). She said about my stimulants, like, “why do you value what those three psychiatrists think? You know what goes on inside you and your body best.”

(Have I mentioned I love my therapist?)

Then we got on the topic of not giving power to those people. She said another one of her bipolars told her a quote that stuck with her: don’t throw pearls at pigs. Meaning don’t waste my good shit for shitty people that aren’t supportive.

That’s what made me think of my emotional Robin Hood thing. Whatever she said in regards to not going out of our way for cruel people.

None of this seems to be related, and maybe it isn’t. But I like that I have writing to help me reflect on things that are hard to wrap my mind around. So I’m not upset about uploading this sheer mess of words to this thing. It’ll be good to look back on 😊

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