I’ve been anxious lately. I’d say “panicky,” but I don’t think that’s the exact right word. I haven’t been having panic attacks (and I don’t particularly care for when people claim they’re having them when they aren’t); I’ve just been in an internal state of messiness. I feel stupid, pathetic, unproductive, like I don’t matter. Those are pretty intense criticisms of myself, I know. And I realize that being all mopey and self-deprecating won’t help anything. But blah, why am I here, what’s the point, what am I doing, what is anyone doing? *existential crisis intensifies*
I’m gonna do something I always feel like I have to do and connect all the dots. Go back and follow the trail that brought me here and see if I can pick up on clues and hints to help me make sense of this feeling I’m experiencing. Good thing I keep journals and basically write every single thought down somewhere or another.
[excerpts from the last two or so weeks below, for your reading pleasure and oh-so-exciting look into my mind]
I have big plans for the day and I’m not feeling bad about it (not feeling good about it, but my mood is a little low, so that’s probably why). I have a science documentary on in the background (I need background noise lately and I’m sick of bullshit on YouTube) and I’m about to get my work done. I can do this, I got this. I dunno why I’m feeling so self-conscious and, I guess the word would be anxious, but I’m pushing on.
i like the idea of having a step-by-step schedule (like breakfast at x time, study at x time, etc.) but who’s gonna regulate that shit? me?
“My bedroom is a mess and stuff very uninspiring so I’m going to clean it before sitting down to write. I’ll turn on some good music or maybe a podcast. Then after I write and get my creativity out, I’m gonna stretch my arthritic body and see if I can start finally feeling better.”
I’m okay, I got this, I have the situation under control/ I’m worthy and valuable regardless of my mental state/ People love and respect me/ I am smart and creative and I have good ideas/ I give off good vibes, I’m fun, and people like being around me/ I have cool hobbies and interests/ I am resilient (boyyyyy am I!)/ I know how to calm and ground myself/ I’m strong as fuck/ I have so much love inside me, and I give it freely, and that makes me happy/ Life is in constant flux but that fact is oddly comforting/ I am whole/ I am unique
i haven’t really been doing anything but i still need a break from everything
“Gotta figure out what to wear tomorrow that’s warm but looks cute. I feel better when I look cute. And when I’m not cold. And when I can focus but I’ve been struggling to remember to take my fucking adhd meds. I know I feel better when I do. But I’ve been guilted into feeling like I don’t deserve to take my meds. I’ve had too many psychiatrists fuck with my head in that regard. Super annoying. Idk I just wanna get shit done.”
“I feel shitty because I ate garbage. It’s no big deal and I shouldn’t feel shitty about that. I think I know why I’m letting it get to me. But it’s still annoying. Whatever. Trying not to let it ruin everything though. I’m soooo much better at handling my emotions in a calmer way. Thank good for the proper meds that allowed me to do that. But I’d still prefer to not be annoyed lol”
“I wanna fucking gooooo…I wanna write and create and think and do. But nothing is coming to me. I refuse to get frustrated because that’s not gonna get me anywhere. Just saying, ugh. I feel overwhelmed because I’m not doing anything that matters. I guess following that logic I can just…do something that matters. Do I just not know what matters to me? That can’t be. I know what I value (creativity, honesty, love, connection, meaning, learning, fun, etc)
I’d post a summary of that chaos, but I need a little while to sit with it all. Stay tuned, if you so desire 😎