Or perhaps there’s a better word than “emotional.”
It’s been a period full of quiet mornings and peaceful cups of coffee drank on my front steps as the world wakes up. It’s been a week of reading a good book, of existing in the realm of social media (mainly on tumblr, this week), and trying to stay on top of everything I had to do.
It was a really really phenomenally fun weekend. My sister and her family came up to visit and I saw the absolute joy that is my nephew and he made me so beyond happy (they all did, but he’s more special to me than words). We saw our extended family, went pumpkin picking, and played a whole lot of Elmo songs for my little man to dance around to.
The lack of five minutes to myself this long weekend might have contributed to my rather random display of bipolar rage the past few days. I literally haven’t been that way in forever. I haven’t lost my shit, I haven’t felt that painfully “itchy” frustration, that “I want to rip my face off and burn it” kind of restless exhaustion and exasperation. It’s unique.
And not for nothing, even though it’s been eight months (EIGHT MONTHS) since I’ve lost my mind (read: had an episode), it’s still really fuckin’ familiar.
Excerpts of my journals, for your reading pleasure:
J take it mavxjxndbdbxjxbxbxvgdvd I take it back I’m not handling the bipolar rage well at all I want to ducking kill everyone fmmb slabs dbdbdvvdvdvdsvvd I want to fucking kill everyone and everything and my laptop is plugged in bc it’s aboht to die and it’s just sitting here but it’s aoooooooo soooooooo fucking goddsmn fucking loud like shut the hell ip it shouldn’t be loud why are you so loud STOPPSODNDBJSJDBDBDJ I can’t shake I can’t stand typos so I’m it I’m not fixing them because if I have to backspace one more goddamn fucking shitting time I’m gonna kill myself I don’t want to go to clas bc the other people are sooooooooooo stupid like how are human beings so stupid and annoying I can’t even explain it. My sleeves are annoying me. I already snapped at my boyfriend and I ha myself I hate myself for it j mean he gets it but it’s still not fair and I jdjsbfvfbf f d KUSTTT. JUUUUSSSTTTT got through being all thankful for not being crazy and fucking fuck for once
^^^ That is what I’ve told myself for the past few days.
And now for a sidenote that’s probably suuuuuper relevant to what I’m going through right now:
I’ve been in the process of going to doctors trying to figure out why my body is stiff and sore, why my limbs are heavy and painful. The regular doc said my blood showed low Vitamin D, which could explain a lot of my symptoms. But I’ve been on a mega dose of it for three weeks now and I still feel ehhhh.
I had the rheumatologist earlier this week and I explained everythingggg (I had a whole list of things I tell her, thanks to my therapist’s urging ❤ haha) and she started me on steroids for what is probably an autoimmune or inflammatory issue.
I do not think bipolar people are supposed to take steroids, but I need to collect more data. Some basic google searches and readthroughs of articles tell me I’m probably correct, but like. Fuck. I’m desperate to not be in pain.
𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐈 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭
So that’s what I’m gonna do because, well, there’s not much else to do anyway haha