good morning, I guess

four in the morning.
too early, close your eyes again,
wait. wait some more.
four fifteen, close your eyes again,
close them, keep them closed,
eyes open, feet on the floor, hoodie pulled tight,
good morning, I guess.
grab phone, scroll apps,
switch, scroll,
switch, scroll,
close apps, shut phone.
change clothes in the dark.
wash face.
grab laptop, charger, book,
and leave.
coffee. need coffee.
drive to shop, greet the owner,
thank him for being open at this ungodly hour.
espresso pulls, milk froths,
the sound brings you to life.
the smell brings you to life.
you sip. banana chocolate heaven.
it brings you to life.
good morning (for real this time)

I’ve been having trouble with my sleep schedule lately. Since like, June. Since my pyschiatrist upped my lithium, since I broke out in that rash, since I started feeling weak and sore and achy and stiff and ugh.

I’m not saying it’s all related to the lithium. I’m not saying it’s related to it at all. I could have a physical thing going on. If that’s the case, I’m hoping it’ll be solved soon, because I finallyyyyy was able to get a doctor’s appointment. It’s been really hard during covid, but if I have something physical happening, they’d most likely know or send me someone who would know. And my sleep cycle fucking up could just be a bipolar thing. I know I experienced (very muted) symptoms of an episode throughout the summer, and I mean, that’s just my bipolar fluctuations doing their thing. No amount of meds is gonna CURE me, I’m just MANAGING it all with meds. And it felt managed, but…not perfect. But whatever.

It’s just super annoying that I have soooo much trouble sleeping for two days and then I’m unconscious, absolutely dead to the world, for three.

I’m picking my battles. I’m choosing not to be angry or annoyed about this.

Similarly, I’m getting a handle on that bipolar rage while I drive. I’m not saying I don’t cut moron drivers off sometimes, but I don’t feel seething anger in each and every one of my molecules. I don’t literally see red. I don’t make their dumbassery about ME, because like, I can just let it gooooo.

It’s a skill, doing that. I never really understood that idea until I started thinking of driving like a training program…if that makes sense? Perspective shift/Mindset shift. Possible DBT skill?

It’s 6:37 right now. I’m texting my boyfriend who’s back at the apartment and getting ready. We’re sending each other memes. I recorded my moods and stuff on my phone (loveeeee me some tracking apps). I posted to instagram to feel social and connected haha.

Good morning.

Published by ittakesrain

|| It takes rain to make a rainbow!

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