I’ve been known to become somewhat aggressive. Well, I mean I doubt anyone knows me by that and that alone, not if they actually KNOW me, anyway. I’m this little thing and I try to be as nice as I can at all times. Especially to retail workers, but I’m not gonna get into that. My point: I know myself as getting super aggressive and it’s been in the back of my head lately. You know. Blind bipolar rage.
It’s an actual thing, and it’s different from regular anger because there’s often no clear cause and therefore no clear way to diffuse it. The outburst might be caused by something, but it’s the perpetual feeling of frustration that makes no sense that’s the real issue. Like, for me I might be in traffic and start screaming bloody murder. And maybe the screaming and throwing myself around it caused by the anxiety that I’m gonna be late (or simply not early) and there’s nothing I can do about it, but there’s most likely been a storm brewing for a while.
I’ve been really good lately, though. I’ve noticed it more than a few times. I brewed my tea wrong the other day and didn’t have a conniption. It didn’t FEEL the same as it would have before I was in the hospital. And this morning when we didn’t have internet I literally felt the anger start to bubble but it was like I turned the heat on the burner down so the pot never boiled.
Boom. Victory. I am quite proud of myself.
And more seriously, I’m glad I’m able to do that. I’m glad I have finally been given the tools I need to help myself. I’m glad I’m using them to my advantage. I’m thankful.
I mean, sometimes I just WANT to get crazy mad, but it really isn’t worth it.
Anyway, the reason I wrote that whole fricken thing was so I could explain an analogy I thought of whilst not having a meltdown this morning.
I usually think of fire when I think of bipolar rage, but this time I thought of water. I was trying to grasp some sort of way to explain the way the anger used to cut into me (and how it still tries to). But weirdly enough I thought of water. Like, if I were to high-dive into a pool. I’d cut through the water. There’d be a splash. A noise. I’m not explaining the powerful image I have in my head but like, I’m trying to show that the water where my body was would be displaced and I’d be physically in that space. And maybe a human being should be in water. Well, no, I guess people can be in water. I guess a more true-to-my-nature analogy would be a knife stabbing someone, and the knife is stuck in them, and blood gushes out. A knife shouldn’t be in a person.
I’m rambling. I’m not making sense. But my goal today was to write words and upload them so I have now checked that box.