It’s been, well…fine, I guess. I don’t like saying it’s fine, actually, because I’m focusing a lot on my moods and my emotions and it’s feeling very chaotic and while it might actually be fine, that might be what “fine” is, I fucking guesssss, I do not like it.
Maybe I’m just being too picky, though?
I guess I should start by saying my psychiatrist still hasn’t sent me for blood work. Meaning, to my psychiatrist, I haven’t had blood tested since like mid-February when I was in the fucking hospital. Now, I went to urgent care for blood work because I felt like I was dying (spoiler: they can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, and I can’t find a primary care doctor right now because of the fucking global pandemic, so I’m fucked, don’t get me started, but anyway) and my lithium level is fine. I’m still not comfortable with this psychiatrist, obviously. Our last appointment was three minutes, yes three, I have the call log, and like I guess I could have tried harder to explain myself, but it’s pretty hard to summarize my bipolar-ass brain in THREE minutes. And she still only gives me 21 ADHD pills for a month. Pisses me off and gives me the feeling that I have to be guilty when I take it, that I don’t inherently deserve to concentrate. My therapist (who I love with all my heart) called my psych to try to “coordinate care” or whatever she said, but never got a call back.
Meanwhile, like always, my brain and my meds are playing tug-of-war. Any time I feel good it’s tentative, every time I get irritable it’s precarious, teetering just of the edge of a total nuclear meltdown. Am I “doing better” because I’m trying harder? Because I’ve learned how to manage, finally? Is it the meds? If it’s the meds, is this as good as it’s ever gonna get? Should I just resign myself to accept this “mehh” kind of life forever?
I’m not sure how much of it I can blame on the quarantine or on the fact that the country is going to shit (worse than it already was lol). I mean it’s definitely been hard dealing with the added stress and changes due to the pandemic. And the fact that I’m physically feeling sick doesn’t help either. I’m achy and shore and I can’t move like I could two months ago (what the fuck), and I’m exhausted all the time, aside from when I have insomnia, but even then I have to sleep for an entire day or two to make up for that lack of sleep. But anyway, that aside, I have a feeling my shitty brain would be being shitty either way haha.
I really don’t mean to be negative. I don’t feel like I’m being overwhelminglyyy negative. It’s fine lol, I just want things to be better.
And I don’t think that desire to strive for more is the worst thing. I’m working hard to make things happen in my life, I’m putting myself out there (taking writing workshops, exploring a mental health counselor training program). But even right here, I don’t think I have to justify wanting the best for myself. I dunnooooooo, but anyway, it’s 7:30, I’ve been up since 4, but it’s sunny and warm and I’ve got my coffee and it’ll hopefully be a good day 🙂