So, I’ve been feeling really good since getting out of the hospital. I’ve had time to process a lot of the craziness that had happened, and the space needed for that processing to happen, and I’ve been enjoying what I’d certainly call stability (fucking finally!). I have not been taking it for granted. I mean, it’s just crazy how I felt so bad for so long, and now I feel like a normal human being (or what I assume normal feels like, because it’s definitely subjective and different for everyone, but you know what I mean). I’m not crying daily. I’m not even really consciously thinking about my moods and I’m not constantly readjusting them. That’s mind-blowing to me. I feel so lucky.
But I kinda freaked out a little yesterday, and I’ve been spending the morning trying not to overthink the whole thing.
This is my journal from last night which explains what happened
I saw my new psych yesterday (virtually). I haven’t seen a psychiatrist since I was in the hospital a month ago and I needed my meds. So yeah. I discussed everything with her. And she’s very much like my first psych where she doesn’t like to prescribe pills. Which is baffling to me. Like why are you a psychiatrist if you think medication isn’t a solution for mental illnsssed? I’m overgeneralizing but still. I hung up after the appt thinking I’d get all my same meds. Including my adhd stuff. Because I need to focus to write. Since that’s the literal crux of who I am as a human being and since writing is my only income at the moment. And I’ve done the experiment countless times: I don’t take the pill and I’m moodier and sad and it affects me very negatively. I understand her perspective on not over-prescribing. But I explained my case and she said and I quote “I’ll work with you on this one” and I go to pick up my meds and she never called in the Vyvanse. And now. When I’m home do the foreseeable future with nothing to do but write. I will have a much harder time doing so. Like it’s possible to concentrate without them but why put myself at an unfair disadvantage?! And it’s difficult because I hate that I’m dependent on the shit. I do. But WHY SHOULD I?! I don’t hate myself for having to take my Lithium or Prozac or Rexulti or Remeron or or or or…like why is it such a sin to have adhd? I understand it’s difficult with bipolar bc stimulants can trigger mania. I’m rather smart, and I’ve done the research, and I even brought it up to her. If there’s another solution to my concentration problem it should have been discussed with me at our appt. I shouldn’t have had to find out she never called on my Vyvanse at the fucking pharmacy. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when I called the office to leave a voicemail, saying she must have forgotten. But I sincerely doubt that bc she also said how she’s conservative about prescribing meds like Vyvanse and Klonopin (which I don’t need right now, I haven’t had a panic attack, thank GOD, but it’s just shitty to know if I did need it she wouldn’t give it to me). I’m also really annoyed because I took great care during our video call to be calm and polite. Idk. I just have to wait at this point. I’m fuming but like I wassssss in a blind bipolar rage and I toned it back so I’m proud of myself. Also, I’m pretty sure anger is normal in this situation. Being frustrated and upset is normal now, right? I was lied to and it affects my life and I’m mad. That’s gotta be normal.
TLDR: I saw a new psychiatrist on Friday and after giving my history and talking, I explained that I’ve been taking meds for ADHD since I was 20 and that those pills are crucial for my concentration and subsequent mood management, but she didn’t send those pills to the pharmacy for me, I assume because she said she’s conservative with prescribing meds
I’m NOT gonna beat myself up over normal emotions. And even if I did overreact (which I admit is likely), I’m not gonna beat myself up over THAT either. I was able to bring it in and calm myself down, and I NEVER would have been able to do that a month and a half ago. Progress is progress, and I’m giving myself credit where credit is due.
I’m mad that some lady I don’t know has just damned me to a bitter with my concentration (and again, writing is who I am on a fundamental level and if I can’t concentrate enough to do it, it feels like a fuckin’ crisis for me). How dare she, ya know?
But I’m moving on. I’ll figure it out. Maybe it was just a mistake on her part and this can be fixed. If not, I’ll find a new doctor, whatever.
And just like with my whole mood situation as a whole, maybe time some and space to think about it all will be helpful. I dunno.
We shall see.