Bought this mug at Target yesterday bc reckless spending is how us bipolars cope right? But yeah, “morning vibes” at 3 in the fucking afternoon. Bc I’ve only just pulled it together. Other vibes to get honorable mentions: the “I got 4 hours of sleep last night bc I was sobbing too hard to calm down” vibe, the “should I try for the 4th time to voluntarily commit myself in the hopes that they’ll drug me into a coma until I have some semblance of sanity again” vibe, &the ever popular “I finally stopped crying over the fact that my coffee is medium roast as opposed to light so maybe I’ll have the energy to keep it together for an entire consecutive hour” vibe. I usually write during these episodes. I mean, I’m literally always writing, it’s basically all I do. But when I try to go back and read the last month’s worth of shit, it’s just…it’s just that, it’s just shit. (Not written in a shitty way, I’m fucking talented, it’s just SHIT because this feels like shit). I’m finding it useless to keep writing through this. There’s no use making sense of it. There’s no reason for this suffering. (Cue the positive voice I’ve rang out with so many times before: “well then FIND the meaning, CREATE the meaning!” Shut the fuck up, dumbass positive Laura). I am really grappling with the fact that nothing matters and everything is pointless. And holy shit, writing thing long ass negative post is not helping. I’m just trying to say that it’s 3 in the afternoon, I have a cup of coffee that tastes pretty good, in a mug I think is really adorable, and I have no special way to wrap this bullshit up. I see my doctor tomorrow and if she doesn’t immediately send me somewhere where that “wait it out while in a coma” thing is an actual option, maybe a *significantly* higher dose of *quite a few* more drugs will start to help…eventually. I have people I know IRL who follow me on this account so no one go freaking out yet. This is life. I’m dealing w it. I’m just complaining about it. So writer in me is dyingggg to find a way to tie together all the seemingly unrelated points I’ve made in this cry-for-attention post. Help me out and find one for me. Please.