All the time stretched out in front of me feels painful and scary, and all of it trailing behind me gives me anxiety and brings forth the remnants of terrible feelings.
I know I have a good life and I know there’ve been times when I’ve enjoyed that good life.
But right now I can’t remember a time when I was fine for more than 2 hours. Even with the few months of relative stability I had, it was just relative stability. And I would just go about my days being fucking thankful it wasn’t worse, spouting bullshit like “oh it’s okay at least it’s survivable.” But honestly, fuck that. I don’t want to suffer anymore. At all. Ever. This shit isn’t fair and every time I think it’s getting slightly better it goes to shit again and I’m scared and upset and frustrated and hopeless and defeated. Have I missed any negative emotions in that list? If you can think of any feel free to throw them on the pile.
Yes, welcome to my pity party. I’d love to say this is my first one, or better yet my last one. But we all know those sentences would be fucking lies.
I can’t move my body. It’s 1:45 in the afternoon and I am so beyond exhausted physically and mentally that all I can do is cry, but I can’t sleep, I don’t even WANT to sleep, so I’m just stuck crying and whimpering and moaning. Pathetically.
I don’t know if these posts are helpful…me just bitching and moaning on a platform I want to eventually become something. I have the potential (somewhere deep down in the sane part of my brain) to make it somethingggg.
I don’t even think it helps to complain, I just think maybe showing the reality of this suffering is at least the truth. If I can’t be positive at least I can be honest. Whatever.