I woke up at 6:30 this morning, which makes me happy. I love waking up early because the day still feels like it’s full of possibilities and excitement. And I had a really productive 2 or so hours. Did the usual. Took my meds, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I stretched, because that’s good to do, and I even sat for five minutes to take a crack at the whole meditation thing. Made my French press coffee, did the dishes while it was brewing, and came back to my desk to upload an article for the site I write for.
Then I felt it. That familiar-but-still-scary feeling of anxiety pulling at my edges. I tried not to freak out at the first sign of it. I really don’t have to just give up now because this weird, pointless feeling is creeping in. I can try to push it out. Or I can just let it sit there in my chest/upper stomach and continue about my business.
I’m actually working on trying to get the feeling from a physical place up to my actual brain. My therapist was telling me about that yesterday. Like, I’ll claw at my chest in my personal sign languagey attempt to describe what I’m feeling, but I think she was saying I don’t do anything with it in my brain. (Similarly, when I “self-sooth,” ie rock back and forth or twist up my hands, I have to think about it consciously, because I usually just do those things without trying to breathe instead…I think?)
I try to find words to describe this nonsense, too. I struggle with that. I can rate my mood on a scale of depressed to my version of manic, but sometimes it doesn’t translate into wordsssss. I made this list of potential words, though.
Like I swear. When I woke up I felt “hopeful, content, and (appropriately) energetic.” And now I’m like, “overloaded, mopey, and (for some reason) stressed.” The fuck just happened? What even is anxiety? (I know the answer to that, but still)
I’m just gonna try to take this morning one thing at a time. I don’t work til 1, so I have a really good chunk of time to just do me. I’m gonna try not to be pulled in 15 directions by every different thought I have, I’m gonna try to be motivated but about one thing at a time.
Also, gonna play this game I downloaded on Steam called Kind Words, which is literally just sending letters back and forth to people who need encouragement and support. It plays peaceful music and it’s just so positive.
Aaaaanywho…I hope everyone has a good day ❤