woke up feeling shitty and anxious and mopey
spent lots of time wondering why i felt that way and thinking about confusing shit about how i have to constantly readjust my moods and how i’m literally just unsure of how to do that at this point
taking my adhd meds helped because now i can at least focus on something distracting or productive
ingesting hella caffeine is making me feel better too
and my favorite band (reel big fish) playing in the background is working to make me not feel shitty
and now for a vaguely poetic brain dump
It’s comfortable at first, and then the world hits you.
Mind too big in a world too small.
Or perhaps the opposite.
Because there are too many thoughts,
Too much noise at too high a volume,
But there’s too much room for it all to fly free in total chaos
Which means you have to focus,
Use specific, deliberate effort to adjust and readjust.
It requires all of you,
The fight, from within and without, against unseen demons.
And as you look around at the confusion
That has nearly turned your mind,
Too big and too small,
Get it out.
It’s urgent to do so.
Spill it, pour it, put it elsewhere,
Into the ether
Or onto a page that may or may not be read
Or even remembered.
An hour into consciousness and you’re tired and unsure.
Anxious? Depressed? Empty?
(You are continually putting words to the intangible,
But somehow can’t when it comes to emotions, those mercurial things).
Take your meds. Drink some water. Eat something.
What are you even doing,
Sitting there comatose when you have shit to do?
How can you hold it together today?
What’s the plan (you’ll be lost without one)?
Put on some music,
Your favorite band,
Turn it up.
The forceful pressure recedes, permitting some sort of flow,
Some influx of something that resembles calm,
Your mind shrinks,
Or perhaps grows,
But you’re not analyzing it so you feel better.
Your free-flying thoughts organize into
What is more reminiscent of graduation caps mid-air,
Thrown up in celebration of achievement.
It’ll take time to find your cap, the one you were looking for.
That doesn’t necessarily matter;
The photographer snapped a picture and the frozen moment makes you happy.
So maybe, you think, there’s something to strive for
In the potential to turn a day around
(or a month, a year, a life).
Potential for new thoughts,
For finding happiness as opposed to forcing something vaguely similar to it,
For not letting sadness with when all else fails
Because you’re coming at life with full force.
Although survival mode played its role,
It’s in the past for now.
So tomorrow if you have to drag yourself out of bed
As you doubt your ability to get through the day,
Don’t wallow in confusion.
Let it out, find the words,
Take your meds, drink some water, eat something.
Let your mind shift, take shape, rearrange and reorganize.
Give it time, don’t dwell, stay calm, and fight hard.
Haven’t you proven your strength to yourself yet?