I’m trying here. Still. Still trying.
I’ve heard it said that “it’s okay if all you did today was survive.”
Well, I’d love to be productive, but I make no promises, sadly. I don’t even know of anything I can even do that would fall under the category of productive. Whatever.
I’m sitting at a coffee shop in Babylon. Been sitting here for a little over an hour. Journaling, scrolling through internet crap, drinking my coffee. I’m listening to the album “Continue” by Wax, which is super inspirational. It makes me happy. Or, well…not ‘happy,’ because I feel incapable of that right now. But it’s definitely good to be reminded of good shit and good feelings.
Another quote from that album is something like “nothing I’ve ever done has failed, it’s all just been some shit I’ve done.” I like that. A lot.
Speaking of utter failures, I took off work for an indefinite amount of time. Like, just called and said yeahhhhh take my off the schedule until I call and say I’m sane enough to come the fuck back. Honestly, I have no intention of going back there. I’d love to find another job. Some data entry bullshit is probably all I’m capable, but whatever…
I miss my coworkers/ momfriends/ the people who support me through the hell that is my life and what I go through again and again and again Oh, well…I guess.
I’m torn between secluding myself in isolation, not answering texts /calls /going on facebook or anything…or like, NOT doing that and reaching out for the support and help that I so clearly need. Honestly, no one and nothing can help me. At all. So it feels pointless to annoy everyone with my bullshit through the act of reaching out. [I’m not being negative, although if I was there’d be nothing fucking wrong with that because I god damn earned another pity party and I truly don’t see anything wrong with that…all I’m trying to tell myself is that I have myself, I’ll always have myself, and maybe that’s enough] Like, people listen to me as long as they can handle, and then they get sick of the fact that I’m STILL not better (yeah, fuckin’ surprise, I know). I don’t blame anyone for getting sick of me. I’m sick of me Lol.
But then there’s this bullshit:
Balance? If only. I mean I guess I don’t have to completely close myself off. But I’ve never known any gray areas. There is only black or white, one or the other. And I truly think maybe some seclusion will do something for me. I have to do SOMETHING new, SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Because “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I mean, I ammmm insane, no way the fuck around that one. But I am desperate for a change. I’d love one big enough to alter the course of my entire life, fix the shitshow that is my existence. But I know better than to be hopeful about…anything.
Ughhhhh I knowwww that’s such a bad fucking attitude. I just, I’m stuck.
I’ve always said that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to bounce back up. But I’m not even sure this pit of despair I’m in is my rock bottom. The reality of that sucks, but hey, I know how things tend to go from bad to worse. It’s been proven to me REPEATEDLY for YEARS that that’s how it works. Ughhafhasfjndjg
I’ll keep chugging along though. I mean, as best as I’m able. Got nothing else to do. No other options, so yeah, I guess that’s what I’m doing.