End of my rope, what now?

Here we go again. I barely had the chance to catch my breath but here we fucking go again.

It came on quickly, and for no reason, and now I’m trapped in the cage that is my existence with nothing to do but pathetically wait for it to leave me alone…hopefully it eventually will.

Rage emerged in a mushroom cloud of destruction. That was maybe a week and a half ago. And now, after the bomb-drop, after the dust and debris settled having burned everything around it in a windy rush of radiation and heat unmatched, a hangover of formless pity is all that’s left. I am despondent. Hopeless. Sickeningly bereft of the will to attempt, minute by minute, to keep fighting.

The worst of it is that once this is over it’ll simply happen again. So what am I left to do but wait for the next detonation to destroy my entire world. Again.

I’m surviving, but barely. I’m not reaching even half a percent of what I’d be capable of if not for this disorder incapacitating me. I cannot work on my passions, I am not permitted to. I cannot move forward, I truly am not able to. I am stuck. My biggest accomplishment is surviving day to day, and fuck if I can be proud of myself for just that.

It’s all so pointless. And that would be weirdly motivational if I had the energy to believe that it it’s motivational. There’s nothing to do but handle this day. What else is there to do?

I wish like hell I could be a normal person. But I can’t. So here I am.

Published by ittakesrain

|| It takes rain to make a rainbow!

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