I’m trying. I am trying to be okay, and stable, and functioning. I am trying. I hope there’s no one out there who disagrees with me because I really would not be okay with that.
It’s 3:30pm. I’m sitting in my bedroom, on the bed. Laptop propped up on a pillow, windows open letting in some fresh air, calming candle lit, and I’ve even got some relaxing zen music playing or some shit.
But even as I sit here, in the moment or whatever, I’m struggling to be okay and stable and functioning.
I can’t even tell if it’s a mood thing anymore. Maybe it’s just an anxiety thing. Or maybe I’m just a piece of shit (my therapist would tell me to cut it out with the negative self-talk, but like, I legitimately cannot discern what my problem is).
I JUST had a major episode about like, a month and a half ago. Like, I came out of a really really bad spot in the beginning of April, and it’s like almost the end of May. And that bad period lasted like three or four weeks. And I don’t even want to spend energy thinking about how SHITTY it was, but I’m fairly certain I’m heading there again, and soon.
I am NOT being negative. I am being realistic. The signs are there (the unbelievable, uncontrollable, violent rage…the irritability…the sadness…) and I’ve been shown time and time again what all that means.
It fuckin’ pisses me off in a particular way because I’m on more meds than I’ve ever been on, I’m actually getting legitimate help now, and this is still happeningggggg to me. I missed like three days of meds in 30 days, which shouldn’t send me spiraling in the way that I am. This shouldn’t be happening. But it is. And I don’t know what to do.
I’m doing everything I can. I try SO HARD. It’s just insanely difficult and I don’t have the patience or energy or clarity of mind to do this bullshit on repeat.
Basically, I’m just complaining right now. I mostly use my Instagram (@lalalaurawriting) to document my ups and downs, but I figure I can type out longer things here. This is all in addition to keeping meticulous journals and using mood tracking apps and the whole nine yards there.
Anyway, end rant. Blah.