Writing in the third person obviously removes the writer from the situation, to some extent. So I tried journaling that way, which was interesting. The simple fact is that it turns what “I” do into what “she” does. It isn’t happening to ME if I write about myself as a character in a story I’m writing. Because like, I have trouble applying certain logic to myself. Like when I wrote my resume, I pretended I was doing it for someone else. I’ve fixed up tons of my friends’ resumes, but I got stuck on my own. It’s related to confidence and self-esteem and all that jazz, but regardless, removing myself from my resume was helpful. Even doing the journaling as if my thoughts were someone else’s was helpful.
I wrote a thing. Gonna share it here, obviously.
“You know that sensation I get sometimes? The one where something just feels wrong?” She twisted her hands up so they matched the knot in her stomach. “I don’t know what it is and I– I don’t– I don’t know how to figure it out. I just feel off. Dis…distracted? I feel, I feel so…” she trailed off, her mind struggling to find the right words, and failing.
But while her words failed to explain the nagging, uncomfortable emotion, her body language displayed it clearly. The twisting and fidgeting was only the tip of the iceberg. She was folding her body into itself, hunched over, holding her limbs ever closer to her core. It seemed that she would shrink smaller than her already petite frame if she had the ability to do so. She’d been staring at the floor, but when she looked up, her eyes darted back and forth as they searched for something safe to rest upon. Or maybe it was that she was hoping she would find the words that matched her feelings written in midair in front of her so she could stop stumbling over what the fuck she was saying. What she was trying to say, at least.
“I…don’t feel good,” she concluded. Her own eyes widened in a panic-stricken plea for assistance as she stared finally into the eyes of the person she was talking to.
The reply back might have been comforting or it might have been lacking in sympathy, but it didn’t register with her regardless. She was too busy scouring the depths of her brain for an answer. And when that yielded nothing, she looked to external cues to make sense of the nonsense.
Outside, the sun was attempting to shine through the clouds that had it partially obscured. Maybe that was why she felt so mopey; the weather had always had an impact on her moods. As annoying and inconvenient as it was, it was a fact. She cursed the clouds internally. Why couldn’t they just go awayyyyy?
But then again, perhaps this anxiety wasn’t merely a result of the dull, gray day. Perhaps it didn’t have a reason at all. It wouldn’t be the first time the anxiousness bubbled its way through her being for literally no reason. It wouldn’t even be the first time it’s happened this week.
She could have cursed her moods as she did with the clouds, but honestly, it wasn’t even worth it. Resigned to the fact that “this is just how it is,” she decided to move on with her day as best as she was able. Which meant finishing her coffee and going to the store and getting shit done and then reading her book or playing her video game or listening to a podcast.
Don’t think, just do. Repeat that as a mantra until the chaos dissolves. It always does. Don’t think. Just do.
I think I feel better and less anxious now. Also, the second I was done typing that the sun came out, so there’s that. Lol.
I don’t wanna write too much more about this because I don’t wanna analyze it to death right now. And also I wanted to write something else today too, something about confidence today and about who I am in terms of confidence (I write all this introspective stuff, and it’s all for me…maybe I should write something that’s not about my emotions???)