I’m not good at sitting still. On top of being fidgety, I have this need to be constantly moving or doing or being productive. And I experience annoying guilt when I’m not. I have trouble unwinding. Relaxing is difficult, even when I desperately want to, because I simply don’t know how. Even when I’m not physically moving, even when I’m still, it’s not a relaxing stillness. I zone out in a distracted kind of way. You might think that’s a good thing. You might be thinking zoning out is good because it shuts my endlessly loud brain off for a moment or two. But it’s not a good thing because my brain isn’t off; it’s annoyed that it’s not moving or doing or being productive. Yeah. It’s problematic. The whole issue.
Like this morning. I woke up when my boyfriend woke up for work. Around 6:30 or 7. Which is normal. As I’ve said, I love mornings. Also, I go to bed at like 8 or 9 because I’m either exhausted or bored of being awake. Lol that’s a whole separate problem, but whatever.
Anyway I was dressed and out the door by 7:20 and left with the problem of “what should I do before I go to work, which isn’t until 10:30?”
Here, enjoy my face. I’m not wearing makeup and my hair (although still very mermaidy and fun) is kinda messy. But I’ve just been loving the car-selfies lately. My camera roll is full of ’em now.
It’s currently 9:23, and I’ve had a full morning. I got coffee at a place by where my parents live, got this delicious sugar cookie latte and it made me happy. I drove to the beach and on the parkway that connects it to the other beach. It’s so relaxing because there’s no traffic or anything. It’s just me, my music, and the sun gathering strength in the sky. Then I went to the marina over there and took pretty pictures because I love love love pictures. And nowwwww I’m at the bookstore. This place has been special to me for a while, and not only because books are magic. I started coming here to meet my friend Meg back in the day. When we first learned to drive we’d meet here and get excited about life and ideas and books, and we’d be super passionate and energetic, and get coffee and ahhh, it was amazing. I dunno. This bookstore is special.
Right, I’ve had a busy but enjoyable morning and I’m feeling good. Which I’m thankful for.
Last night I felt yucky. Just really blahhhh. Weirdly “off.” It’s such a fucking annoying feeling. Because I didn’t know why I felt like that and I was fixated on the whyyy in addition to feeling the feeling I was feeling in general. I mean, it coulda been because my adhd medication wore off around that time. Like I took it in the late morning and then stared at my computer screen frantically typing and concentrating and word-ing for four and a half hours. And then when I was done and the meds wore off I felt empty and frazzled and exhausted. So yeah, coulda been because of that. But it still sucked. I wound up getting in bed at 7:45 and not falling asleep until like 9:30 and then having yet another night of shitty dreams and tossing and turning. Fun.
I’ll admit. For a while I was panicking. As I was in bed just there, trying to sleep, letting my mind wander…I was panicking. Because I know that feeling. And I know where it usually leads. I know where it’s lead me in the past. Historically feeling yucky like that affords me an express ticket to insanity.
I need to not panic at the slightest thing. Easier said than done. Particularly due to the fact that I have anxietyyyyyyy. But ya know. It’s not helpful.
I swear, when I was informed that “it doesn’t have to be that way” I was shocked. When I was told that there another way, that I don’t HAVE to lose my sanity constantly, it blew my mind. I’m still adapting to the news. I still don’t know if I believe it.
Yes, it’s true that I haven’t had a really bad episode in a while. Longer than it’s ever been, perhaps? It was the end of November when I got my life back together fully after the last episode. And now we’re into March. So I should’ve gone crazy already. Ugh, and it’s like. Sometimes I feel like I just want it to happen. You know how when you know you’re gonna puke? You want to get it over with. You wish it’d just happen. Or to use another analogy that makes sense to me, when I roller skate (which is so fun but boy am I the worst at skating), I brace myself for a fall even when I’m NOT about to fall. I brace myself anyway. I think I said in an earlier post, my therapist says I’m white-knuckling life. Which is very accurate haha.
That all being said, I think I’m gonna have a good day. I certainly had a nice morning. It’s 9:45 now and I have to leave for work ughhhhh. It shouldn’t be too terrible today but I’ll still be exhausted by the end. And then Andrew (boyfriend) and I are meeting his cousin to see the new Marvel movie. So yes. I’ll be cranky tonight. But I think I was just saying that it’ll be a good day. Right?? I’m confusing myself.
Alright I’m going to work. Ugh. Bye.