So I didn’t post quite as many things as I planned on posting yesterday, but ya know, there’ll be plenty of time to get all my writings out there. And that’s an exciting thought!
I wound up taking a nap yesterday, which was much-needed. I’m always tired. But lately I haven’t been sleeping well at night. My snoring boyfriend aside (seriously, he sounds like a fuckin foghorn and it’s the most obnoxious sound ever Lol), I just can’t stay asleep. I’ll pass out fairly easily around 9 (or earlier because I’m exhausted by 7) but then I’ll be awake again by 11:30 or 12. It’s infuriating. I just want to sleep.
But it’s morning now!! I’m pretty sure mornings are my favorite time of day. I always wake up enthusiastic and happy and motivated. Sure, sometimes it only lasts like an hour, but it’s something still. Mornings are just great because there’s so much potential still. Also, mornings mean coffee, which coincidentally symbolizes potential and possibility and renewed energy (to me, at least). And it tastes so damn good. Especially fancy coffees and lattes and stuff. Yeah, I’m “basic” or whatever the phrasing is. Haha.
I have like an hour before I have to leave for work at my pointless retail job (oh boy, there’s so much to unpack about that job and why I’m there still). Plenty of time to finish this post and then record stuff on my super detailed mood chart. I have a google spreadsheet where I keep track of everything I think I need to keep track of. I used to use this cool app called Daylio (I have soo ma y useful mental health apps!), but I have major ADHD issues so I tend to jump around in terms of how I record everything. But I definitely do record everything. I’m trying to find patterns and make sense of all of this mood shit. I’ve come a reeaaally long way so far. I know when I’m gonna get set off, how it feels to get set off, what’s gonna send me spiraling down and as opposed to rocketing up. I know the overall patterns and how long it usually is between episodes. I can think back and remember it all with slightly more clarity now. It feels cool to be able to do that. It feels more controlled (at least somewhat). I mean, it sucks to know SOMETHING BAD IS COMING and to know you can’t stop it regardless, but time to prepare for emergencies is always helpful. I guess what I’m saying is knowledge is power. Right?
For an incredibly long time, my bipolar disorder wasn’t in check. It’s a complicated issue. But I was basically up and down every three months for, oh god, years. Lemme take you back, though.
I was put on Abilify when I was in the hospital for the eating disorder. Stayed on that until my psychiatrist declared me “fine” at 19. So I was free and didn’t have to take meds and it was great. Buuuut then I went insane. I went back to the psychiatrist and his exact words were “are you on cocaine?” To which I said no. To which he said “then you’re bipolar.” I don’t remember that period too well. I don’t know how he just figured that out. But it sure as hell makes sense.
I mean of course it makes sense. I am bipolar. It’s definitely a thing I have.
So I went back on Abilify. And I stayed on it until a few months ago. And ya know, it really didn’t do much for me. Because as I said, I lost my fucking mind every three or so months for years.
Back in September 2018, so like a few months ago, I went on birth control for the first time. And now, I totally anticipated mental turmoil. But I didn’t anticipate how fucking bad I’d feel. I called my gynecologist and was like “hi yeah is this supposed to make me feel like I wanna die?” And she was like “uh no go to the ER” and I was like “I’d prefer not to” so I called my psychiatrist who didn’t answer so I went to the ER. Yeah.
It wound up being a good idea anyway. I mean I was in a rough state. It was fucking bad and I’m gonna get to descriptions of how that shit feels at some point soon, because I think it’s important to get that out there, but for now I don’t have the energy to put myself back there. Just picture BAD.
So then in October, I finally got on a new mood stabilizer (atypical antipsychotic, but you get me). I was still pretty messed up as I picked myself back up and cleaned myself off. But by November I was mostly fine. Normal. Or my version of normal. I wasn’t insanely depressed is what I’m saying.
I got into therapy (which I obviously should have been going to in the first place, but again, that’s another story). And luckily the therapist I found by happenstance is the COOLEST EVER, and is super helpful and smart and awesome.
She said something to me that I swear changed my whole life (not to be dramatic). I went in one day super upset and down because I was agitated and emotionally itchy and had that old “I wanna rip my face off” feeling happening yet again. I was like “it’s gonna happen again” and she told me that IT DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN AGAIN. Or at least not every three months. I swear that had never occurred to me.
I mean I haven’t had a really major issue since the one Sept/Oct/Nov 2018. But (as she points out to me frequently) I’m “white knuckling” life, holding on with everything I’ve got because I’m so scared of losing it again.
I have a new psychiatrist now. And she added something for anxiety (an anticonvulsant med actually). I’ve only seen her once so far but I’m still feeling relatively okay?? I think??? I mean I’m up and down throughout the day WAY more than a fucking regular person, and it fucking sucks a lot, but if that’s as bad as it’s gonna take I can handle it???
Like. I’m trying. I take my meds, I record my moods, I reach out when I need to, I take supplements that are supposed to help anxiety, I’m open about my issues… I mean yeah maybe I could meditate more or whatever. Gotta give that a wholehearted shot eventually. But I mean. I’m trying here.
Alrightyyyyy I think that’s enough of an update for now. I really want post some real WRITING later, so when I get home from work I probably will.
If you’re still reading this, I’m sending you hugs and love and thanks. And I hope you have a great Sunday 🙂